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Not a remake, and not a prequel, a premake is a fresh take on the tired format of Hollywood regurgitation. Here, we take movies and television shows and re-imagine them as their non-existent "original." Sound stupid? It is!

I give you...Premakes.

الحوض (The Tub): A 2004 Palestinian short film about a bathtub in the middle of an abandoned field in the Gaza Strip, in which a boy plays and pretends the tub transports him to the time his family lived in Syria; before they moved to Gaza, and before his father was shot in that very field. Then, the boy gets shot, too. That's the premake for Hot Tub Time Machine!

El Toro (The Bull):  "El Toro" is the 1982 Mexican movie about the young son of a moderately successful bull fighter. The father is older, past his prime, and the son is a souvenir from a past flame with a much younger actress who has since died in a car accident. The father has little affection for the son, who in turn  focuses his attention on the animals. He develops a special fondness for one of the breeding cows to the point where he wishes he were a bull. Then on the day of his father's largest fight in quite some time, the son wakes up to find his wish has been granted! He is a bull! As he circles the pen with the other bulls, a drunken farm hand crashes his pick up truck into the prize bull - who was set to battle the father in the main bullfight that day - killing the animal, and mortally wounding the object of the young boy's desires. The boy/bull is then thrust into the stadium as the replacement bull, only to repeatedly refuse to charge his father. Eventually, the father grows disgusted with the bull and disposes of it via his pistola - unwittingly killing his son, and ruining his career. That is the premake of "Big", starring Tom Hanks!

GhostBoys: The 1979 South African film, where spirits haunt a Johannesburg ghetto to the point that little boys stand on street corners waiting for people to yell out "Go an boy in geyit de Ghostboys." The GhostBoys are 3 dudes who have retrofitted vacuum cleaners to suck up the spirits (one was a repair man) and then they secretly release them into the white part of town. Hijinks ensue! That would be the Ghostbusters premake.

Poetry From the Heart

Poetry From the Heart Journal


Today was another magical day with Lily! I awoke to find her already busy with the day's activities, and for a brief moment I quietly watched her carry them out with purpose and vigor. Soon enough, she noticed my silent hovering. "Oh dashing spy," she called to me, "how safe I feel in your caring shelter." We shared a knowing smile, and headed down to the kitchen for breakfast.

As usual, Lily arrived before I, and was patiently waiting for her reward. "Nay, you may see my speed as a blessing, kind master," she explained, "but to me the leaden shoes of captivity shall always weigh down the light in my heart. Meow."

After a quiet meal together, Lily gave a solemn nod, and began the day's recital.

"Traps sprung under summer's low skies;

heat lays the springs to the soil, and patience grows.

For the streams to spring forth their wandering bounty,

An eternity must be paid."


:-? thinking Dude, whoa. Easy. Whoa, what’s up dude? Dude! What the, ahhh! Stop it, dude. What is wrong with, DUDE! WHY ARE YOU PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE?

:)) laughing What’s up dude?

:-? thinking Dude, not cool.

:)) laughing Whatever dude. What’s up?

:-? thinking Nothing. What’s up with you?

:)) laughing Nothing much, dude.

:-? thinking Word.

Hey Dad

 Trevor Collins
 46 Minutes Ago via Facebook for iPhone


Yo, I know it's all real with us and shit, but listen. Listen to the truth. Shit's been straight crazy with me these last weeks, I'm like all running off the hilt. But from beyond respect        comes the word, and thats's where I'm at. So I just need you to settle all up within yourself and get straight with this, because it's coming.

You've always been in my life, and I've got mad respect for that. I think about all the shit I've gone and put you through, and it's legit wicka whack. Ha, you know I'm just playing you saying that, but for real dog, we is tight.

So Dad, I'm paying you true respect. I ride for you across barriers, laying souls out, wasting fools. Well, hold up, I ain't never really wasted anyone, but you feel me dog, I'm with you. Anyway, I gotta ask: why won't you let me go to the 50 Cent show this weekend, man? That's some bullshit. All my boys are gonna be up in that place, and I'll catch ill winds if I gotta skip out on that.

Dad, my grades are much better this term. That's the truth. My biology teacher says I'm straight nailing photosynthesis and all that shit. Word is bond, Dad, and you straight up told me that if I got better grades grades in biology you'd step the hell off. Well, what's up with these games, player? I ain't never wronged you, so why are you hating on your son, son?

Dad, I'm coming straight at you, from the bottom of my heart - there are gonna be mad girlies at this concert, and you're not gonna let me represent? Why are you playing the fool here? You always laid mad wisdom on me, like a prophet, but now I'm seeing that all that shit was false. Well, hold up. That's harsh, I know. We're cool, but I'm straight fuming over here. Just check yourself on this. Please.

Anyway, happy Fathers Day. Oh yeah, I need to lift your whip for soccer practice tomorrow.

Much Love,

3 people like this


Recently, I figured out a really great way to blow off some of the steam that we can all accumulate due to road rage. Like a lot of you, I know how hard it can be to deal with the stress, anger and incontinence of a daily commute, well, that is - I did before I came up with this program! And now I'm sharing it with you! "What's the charge," you ask? Consider this just another gift from me to you.

This particular solution was first applied to the driver of a 2007 BMW 3 Series, MA plate DRPKCK - but I've used it on a few other drivers since, and as long as you use this on a man (you'll see why below) I'm sure it will work for you, too!

First, choose the object of your aggression. Karma would dictate that a driver who has vehicular-ly wronged you in some way would be the most appropriate target, but we're here to deliver some Karma, not to listen to it.

Now, once you've found your mark, it's as easy as following them home. "Wait," you say, "I'm not the confrontational type." No worries, my friend, neither am I! In fact, all you need to do is find out where they live. Once you see them pull into their driveway, make note of the address - you'll need that later. Okay, go back and find that address. Good.

The next step is to go through your victim's mail and determine their name. Getting the first name is crucial, so make sure you have the correct age. "Wait," you say, "how can I determine the age?" Easy. Just avoid names like Madison, Jake, Emma, Tyler, etc. Those are obviously the asshole's kids. Now that you have the name, we're almost done!

Simply plug the first name of your target into the form letter below, print 100 copies and tape them to their front door, their back door, their windows, and leave a few on the lawn.
I can't believe it's come to this. You son of a bitch. I already hate myself enough for sleeping with a married man, but now I have to beg you to even TALK to me? After three months of what we've been through, and now it's like I'm dead? I HATE YOU. I can't believe I trusted you. I can't believe I thought this would work. And now you're HIDING from me because I just want you to pay for your half of the abortion?? If you don't meet me at our spot tomorrow with $125 and an apology, I will make sure your wife knows the truth about your "birthmarks."
I hate you.
That bastard will never cut you off again!

Poetry From the Heart

Poetry From the Heart Journal


Today was another very special day for Lily! First, she delicately descended the stairs from her cozy perch atop the hamper.

Then, like a summer morning fog, she entered the kitchen, still clinging to remnants of her little cat dreams. Once I noticed her, she fixed her gaze upon me. "Good morrow, kind master. And such is every day with you and your lovely wife, my queen. A beautiful day indeed."

A bit later, her little kitty tummy must have started to rumble. "Oh, how I fancy a dish of treats. Wretched creator! Why do you shield them from me in their armory tins?!" Soon enough, I had set some tuna and liver in sauce on her petite coaster plate, and she ate them up lickedy split!

Once her appetite was satisfied, she knew it was time for today's recital.

"Oh, per chance, a spinning wheel

Sharpened by wit's play and laughter.

Yet spinning still, wander, spinning;

And spokes, still true, rusted.

I love cheese, meow."

Math Immersion

An Exciting New Program from The Integer

Math expert GhostOfTyrone describes his exciting new knowledge delivery system:

Math Immersion

"Basically, I have you go into a dark room, tightly huddle up in groups of 4, and wait for about 15 minutes while water slowly starts to fill up the room. Then, a strobe light starts going off and shirtless dudes in Minotaur masks and camo pants burst in and start randomly 'shooting' other bathers - who are really plants - with (fake) M-16s. Once there is only one 'plant group' left, one of the Minotaur dudes starts screaming at them 'How many shots did I fire? How many? YOU KNOW THIS! YOUR BRAIN TOOK THIS IN!!' Bang - drops 'em.

Then the lights come on, and every one is standing in a circle around you, clapping."

"Math Immersion - You Will Never Look at Math the Same Way Again"

The Greatness of Men

Springtime in Hell, Part 1

Your Next Assignment
1.0 - I've managed to get you penciled in with Dr. Ram, a potent therapist and notorious fixer. You'll be receiving Extraction Technique Therapy, at no small cost to the State. Call to confirm and verify credentials. Proper attire and outfitting expected. Sub D/L 4/25, 4:59pm.

1.1 - RE: recent transmissions

All messages regarding Ram and his snake oil are to be disregarded with extreme prejudice - this is evidently some Syrian scam that has Ted Turner hotter than a Florida motel room on election night.

Hardcastle has the codex, obtained from some shady harbormaster called Reg Arnotte. Quebecois, no doubt, so employ vigilance.

Actual assignment TBD. I recommend hitting the road, I cannot account for your safety with the Francophiles now involved.


2.0 - Re: status

Well, wouldn't you know... Zhivy got nabbed by two Puerto Ricans in Tampa. He was stuck hanging at an all night bar when there wasn't any night left, mumbling about the profitability of propane in the opium markets. Well, those two little vote-less creeps pounced on him like he was carrying luggage for Lyndon LaRouche. Our contacts last spotted him in Rainbow Key, boarding a vessel called "The Gentle Rubbing." His data, of course, has been deleted.

What this means to you is obvious: The surface is one of two things, neither of which is an illusion. The deep cover act works for agency boys with beards and politicians with wives who like to moonlight as hamster magicians at the local crack dispensaries - but a man like you, whose sole claim to whisky tonight is to listen to papa celebrate 50 años since his first real sun tan, well, let's just say: be sure to check up in the morning. Paps had a hard enough time with the Cubists, and they've outsourced to contractors whose idea of a Union involves nothing but the finest striped shirts and German steel.

I know you'll understand. I've put a deposit on you, and this one is Biblical. The file on you is blistering plenty of fingers, and I can only reset the fuse so many times.

Set the parameter.

The Connection

Please take a moment to let us know about our Sears Customer Service Team:

Was the Customer Service Representative helpful?:

I went to church every Sunday growing up
I often wondered about the voices of the angels
That perfect vision is still intact to me
Alas, yours is not, because you're not as hot as you sound.
I called to check on the delivery status of my blender
You answered and I was like "this chick is definitely hot."I totally pictured you as a blonde
You're not, nor are you as hot as you sound
Look, I'm totally normal - you offered your full name
Seriously, what kind of Customer Service Rep
Has a LinkedIn profile with a picture, anyway?
The ugly ones that sound younger than they really are, apparently.
It's not like you have to worry about me, or anything
Google Maps says it would take 21 hours and 11 minutes for me to get to your office
And I am not renewing my PeopleFinder subscription to get the home address
Of a girl who is not as hot as she sounds
So though we will never meet
I want you to know
That although you are not as hot as you sound
I would still totally do you

The Last Drop

  This was the dark that made you wonder if you would ever see daylight again. The dew covered everything like flat soda, and the fog hung low and thick. Anyway, I says to Rick, I says "We're in it to win it, brother." Rick just nodded. He knew the score; it was time to play ball.

        The weight of the weapon was unexpected. The steel, wet with dew, seemed like a magnet drawn to the Earth. I says to Rick "man, this thing is like a freakin' magnet." Rick says "Well, technically, it is." Rick is wicked smart. Anyway, I turned to face the night, soaking in the darkness before descending the porch steps behind Rick. "Rick, brother, slow down, I can't even see you," I says, and Rick goes "Maybe we should hold hands." I was like "Whoa whoa whoa. A) this piece weighs a freakin' ton, I'm usin' both hands over here. And 2) Just don't go there." just nodded. He knew the score; it was time to play ball.

        There comes a time in a building's life - a building like this: large, brick and stone, grand windows - where it inhabits a vacuum between functionality, art and decay. Warren's Mill was in that vacuum. At once foreboding and majestic, it's cavernous rooms seemed to offer no shelter from the dark and the cold. In fact, they seemed to amplify them. I says to Rick "Man, Rick - they could totally shoot a horror movie here, or like, a Whitesnake video, right?" Rick just nodded. He knew the score; it was time to play ball.

        "There he is," Rick shouted, and I'm still not sure how he saw the man there, huddled in the corner of the far stairwell. I levelled my gun and did my best to aim towards the figure I now saw scrambling up the first flight of stairs. Before I could get off a shot, Rick was on the man, grabbing him by his coat and snapping his neck like a wet tree stump. I says to Rick "Is it there? Did he still have it?" Rick nodded. I booked it over to Rick, thinking, "there better be some left." As I reached the stairwell, Rick stood over the crumpled mess of a homeless man he had created, turned to me, and held out the cup. "I am so glad I brought an extra straw," I says, and I opened the straw, placed it in the receptacle, and drank the last drop of my Mocha Coolatta with a Turbo Shot. "Dude, I should totally work at Dunky's, but I'd get fired, though, right? Ha. Alright, man. Let's go to the batting cages, or somethin'," I says to Rick. Rick just nodded. He knew the score; it was time to play ball.

The Proposal

Dear Sirs,

I'm sure you've been receiving a lot of proposals lately, and that's not just because I have the ability to hack into any computer system in the world - it's because I believe in this program. And when I believe in something, it happens. Big time. That's why I've chosen to share with you the following proposal. It may seem unconventional, it may seem amateurish, and it may seem impossible. Well, so did bread, when the guy who invented that was like "check this out" and other people were like "what is it?" and he said "I don't know, just taste it" - and no one did. Not until the ancient marketing firm of Buck Richards Edwards Anders and Dunphy stepped in. That's right. "Bread" makes a little more sense now, right? Bet you didn't know that. Oh and by the way, the guy who actually invented the bread? He died. Loaded.

Boom, see what I did there? I changed your entire belief system in an instant. So I figure it will only take about 7 billion instants to change the world, gentlemen. Let's get started, shall we?

You know, just as every home has a spider infestation problem, every proposal has a good story behind it. The reason so many idiots fail with their awesome ideas is that they forget the story. Gentlemen, we are not idiots. We are men who have been tasked with the mission of making our life changing visions come true. Won't you join us?

By the way, something to keep in mind regarding our silent partners: True story - the Israeli Intelligence Services have a quirky little methodology they employ when reviewing potential threats: one person must disagree with the assessment provided. They can NEVER be in full agreement. If 9 say "black" then 10th MUST say "white." It keeps them on their toes. And alive.

Attached please find our little story. I'm sure after reading it, you'll agree with us when we say A) sometimes big ideas can come in little stories, and B) we don't have much time.

Let's get down to brass tacks: Who can get in touch with R. Kelly? More importantly, why are we not approaching this with the mindset "what would R. Kelly be selling here?"  So it's Bell Biv Devoe featuring R. Kelly with a very special appearance by Glen Danzig. Danzing in bold).

The Introduction

"Somebody call the fire department, because this place is about to sizzle down while your drinks fizzle down, we goin' uptown, downtown, with the old town Boston sound, we're gonna bring the heat so you feel the beat. The snazzy, jazzy, tunes to set the bluesy woozy mood for your pleasure, so get out on the floor and find your treasure 'cause the bluesy boys are in the house... Now, this next number is from our up-up-up cominnnnggg CD 'Ladies of the Night on the Loose in the City Streets of Love Lost and Found.' We recorded this fabulous record under the smooth tutelage of smokin' sax man Billy Bergman, that's right - the man who gave us "You Belong to the City" with Glenn Frey (sax player plays the sax line from song)... oooh, yeah. Smooth, sultry instrument of the night, ha ha... you know what I mean... Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to welcome you to this fine establishment, where the drinks come fast, the smiles come easy and, 1,2,3,4... 'Where the Blues Come First!'"

Oh lovely lady, you took my breath away
Left me on that city corner, with nothing else to say
You brought me to the best place, when I'm comin' from the worst
Now I'd like to take you to (everyone) where the blues come first

I saw you walkin down that street, I saw your velvet dress
You took me past the danger line, my whole life was a mess
I've been bitten by your poison bite, baby I've been cursed
Now I've gotta take you, to where the blues come first - whoo!

(3 minute sax solo)

The blues can come slow, and the blues can come hard
We don't got much time, to heal my broken heart
You gave me just a little sip, and now I've got the thirst
Baby let's go grab a drink where the blues come first

(2 minute guitar solo)

Ooohhh, yeah, the blues
You're looking so fine
The blues, they don't come second, no no...
And they don't come last...oh no they don't
No no no no no
They come first
All the way, yeah.....

(5 minutes of dueling sax and guitar to finish)


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