It seems that no one has signed my petition yet. I just want to make sure I was clear about the intent of said petition: To change the ridiculously named Toronto Raptors into the amazingly awesomely named Canadian Bacon.
Folks, these opportunities don't come along very often. I don't think I'd be overstating it by saying that this might be one of the greatest things that could ever happen to you. Yes, you. Anyone. Confused? Well, let me ask you this: have you ever overheard anyone say "man that Bacon game was awesome last night?" or "I am going to see the Bacon" or "do you want to come over and watch the Bacon" or "the Bacon could really use a true shooting guard to up their perimeter game?" While I'll admit it is possible you may have heard a few of those, there's no way you've ever heard the last one, and you've also never heard "coming up after the break, Bacon highlights." Not even on Food Network, because there is no FoodCenter.
Honest to God people, wake up here. Look, if the Winnipeg Jets had decided to call themselves The Winnipeg Crazy Nasty Ass Honey Badgers even they would be kicking themselves when they realized they'd passed on The Canadian Bacon.
I don't know why it is that every time I have an idea about changing something Canadian, everyone gets all reluctant. For example, they've yet to make the one, simple change to their national anthem that I suggested a few years back, which would have made it 1,000 times more awesome:
Never too late for that one, Canada. It is, unfortunately, too late to follow through on my idea to name Barry, Robin and Maurice Gibb your three kings-for-life in exchange for their singing the national anthem before every Maple Leafs home game.
So, good job totally fucking blowing it on that one. Now, before you get all sad and depressed, wake up and realize you have a chance to redeem yourselves here. The Canadian Bacon would be the coolest thing you've done since actual Canadian bacon, my friends, and to be honest, your list of cool accomplishments isn't exactly up to snuff by North American standards.
That's why I'm calling on everyone, Canadians, Americans, everyone: spread the word on this. If you think this is a joke, screw yourself - but please sign the petition first.
Again, leave a comment on this or the previous post to sign. Together, we can show the NBA what an amazing opportunity they're passing up.