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Update: Canadian Bacon

For those keeping score, there's not a lot to report on Canadian Bacon front - but this isn't about keeping score, it's about winning.

My horoscope this morning was again pretty spot on:

"Share more of your passion, love, and happiness with the people around you, Virgo. Put your energy toward a group project and work to co-create something much more magical and meaningful than anything you could create on your own. You aren't alone in this world, and you will find that you have a great deal to learn from working in close relationship with other people who share similar ideals."

Reading this, I knew I needed to take it up a notch. I knew I needed to really direct people towards the petition at (which you can sign by clicking on the widget on the right side of this page. Your right). Coincidentally, I noticed an email from the folks at not too long after reading my horoscope. I really thought the stars were aligning. Then I read the email:

"We noticed that you've only received 2 signatures since creating your petition. But don't worry - we're here to help."

Despite my hopes, the next line was not: "We've decided to mandate that every staff member here at sign your petition as a condition of their continued employment." It was more like this:

"Don't be shy! You had the guts to start this petition because you believe that there is a problem that needs to be solved. The only way you are going to make a difference is by getting other people involved, and that means asking them to sign on."

By now I was feeling like a loser. People who run an online petition company, which was invented in order to remove the need to physically interact with people to obtain their signatures, were calling me shy.

Then it hit me: the logo. I need to motivate people with the logo. Originally, I had come up with this:
I'll be the first to admit, that's a pretty awful NBA logo. Not bad for a tee-shirt, but not up to snuff for a league full of cartoon hornets, wizardry and a team called "The Nets" - which is essentially the exact same thing as a team called "The Balls."

I took a step back and realized what my logo was missing: Canadian-ness. So I went back to the drawing board and came up with this:

I was feeling pretty proud of myself for that one, until I realized it was also missing something pretty important: bacon.


As proud of this masterpiece as I am, the truth is it will never be taken seriously, and I am totally serious about this proposition. Deadly serious, even.

So I'm asking for your help. Please send along your ideas for logo designs, mascots, uniforms, and any input on what you think is the most Canadian of all the fonts.

I'll continue to pound the virtual pavement.

My Company Woman

So, as I'm getting ready to head out the door today for another exciting day of life, I happened to spot this note that my wife apparently left on our kitchen table (and yes, sorry ladies, I did just say "wife."):

So as you can see, it's pretty obvious that my wife works for the CIA. I'm pretty convinced that "utensils" is a code word for weapons, and the rest of it is some sort of secret code. When I asked her about it, she explained that it was a "list of BAR codes from a certain yogurt company that gives you free magazines for collecting the BAR codes", which is obviously covert spy bullshit. So now I have to consider the possibility that she may be trying to kill me.

If I were also a spy for the CIA, like my wife obviously is, this would be exactly like that movie "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, and that might be kind of nice. In the end, their trying to kill each other over the course of a two hour movie actually brings them closer together, and what marriage couldn't use that sort of boost?

The big problem here is that I am not a CIA agent. At least, I don't think I am. There's still a possibility that a black SUV will pull up in front of my house, and two dudes will come to my door and tell me that I have to come with them, and that I'm a secret government weapon, etc - but I don't put those odds at any greater than 50/50. In fact, maybe it's my wife's job to "decommission" me.

There is the slim chance that this turns out more like the movie "True Lies", where Jamie Lee Curtis is unknowingly married to a spy, who in turn makes her a spy after they save the world together, but I find it hard to wrap my head around a concept as ridiculous as that.

I'm pretty disappointed in my wife, to be honest. I know spies are sworn to secrecy and all, but I'm fairly sure that even the worst spy in the world can tell what a useful "asset" I would be - not in the least part because I know a lot of the lingo - but I'm also really sneaky and I change my hairstyle all the time.

Point is, she should have recruited me by now, so maybe I have nothing to worry about. In fact, after thinking about it, it's pretty obvious that my wife is a horrible spy.

Together We Can

I'd like to thank everyone who has commented on the Canadian Bacon posts. However, since as of the time of this writing that means I'm only thanking 4 people, and I'm pretty sure one of them is my mom, that means I have to take it up a notch.

As of this morning, I've started a legitimate petition at You can sign that petition by clicking on the widget on this page. Do it. And do it quickly, before realizes that there is such a petition on their site, because they'll probably take it down when they see it. Which is so racist. Racist against bacon.

In case you are on the fence about all of this, I want to introduce what I'm going to call "Exhibit A." Actually, that's stupid, I'm just going to show you something. This was my horoscope yesterday:

Let the genius within you come out and play, Virgo. You may feel like some sort of inventor who has wild ideas that could help to revolutionize the future. Bring these ideas into the open and see what kind of response you get from the people around you. Cutting-edge concepts are likely to appeal to you the most. These are the ones that you should pursue and follow through on if you can.

First of all, I'm not making that up - that was really my horoscope ( Second, yes, sometimes I read my horoscope. Third, there is now irrefutably a documented genius inside me, and fourth, God thinks this is a good idea.

People, I'm going to try to lay low on this for a while and let the grassroots magic of online petitioning take hold. This does mean that you'll be subjected to other ideas of mine, though, including:

- Why have the Black Eyed Peas not covered Midnight Oil's "Beds Are Burning"? More specifically, how has that not happened? More on this to come.

- Speaking of covers, Bjork should cover Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" if for no other reason than the chance for everyone to see bearded, snobby hipsters humming along with the muzak when they're out grocery shopping. Also, she'd probably actually do a pretty good job.

- Taco Bell wastes so much on advertising. Sound dumb? Hear me out. No one needs to be reminded that Taco Bell exists, because we were all 19 once. Instead of a talking dog, or annoying dudes being annoying, Taco Bell should simply have commercials with no sound, and a white screen with the Taco Bell logo in red, yellow and green - sort of looking like a 3D picture if you don't have your 3D glasses on. Do you know why this would work? Because there is no better way to have someone look at a TV than to have it stop making noise. Try it yourself next time you're in a room with someone who may or may not be paying attention to the TV. Trust me, it works. Also, we all know that red, yellow and green are the "hunger colors" - that's why every restaurant uses some version of those colors almost exclusively. So essentially, you're going to get eyes on your logo in the hunger colors for a solid 15-20 seconds, Taco Bell. Just so the novelty doesn't wear off, they could mix in a few different versions where every once in a while - BOOM!! - chicks in bikinis for a second, or - BOOM!! - lion attack, or whatever. Your move, Taco Bell.

- Speaking of Taco Bell, they serve burritos, some of which come with bacon.

Sign the petition.

Was I Not Clear About The Bacon?

It seems that no one has signed my petition yet. I just want to make sure I was clear about the intent of said petition: To change the ridiculously named Toronto Raptors into the amazingly awesomely named Canadian Bacon.

Folks, these opportunities don't come along very often. I don't think I'd be overstating it by saying that this might be one of the greatest things that could ever happen to you. Yes, you. Anyone. Confused? Well, let me ask you this: have you ever overheard anyone say "man that Bacon game was awesome last night?" or "I am going to see the Bacon" or "do you want to come over and watch the Bacon" or "the Bacon could really use a true shooting guard to up their perimeter game?" While I'll admit it is possible you may have heard a few of those, there's no way you've ever heard the last one, and you've also never heard "coming up after the break, Bacon highlights." Not even on Food Network, because there is no FoodCenter.

Honest to God people, wake up here. Look, if the Winnipeg Jets had decided to call themselves The Winnipeg Crazy Nasty Ass Honey Badgers even they would be kicking themselves when they realized they'd passed on The Canadian Bacon.

I don't know why it is that every time I have an idea about changing something Canadian, everyone gets all reluctant. For example, they've yet to make the one, simple change to their national anthem that I suggested a few years back, which would have made it 1,000 times more awesome:

Never too late for that one, Canada. It is, unfortunately, too late to follow through on my idea to name Barry, Robin and Maurice Gibb your three kings-for-life in exchange for their singing the national anthem before every Maple Leafs home game.

So, good job totally fucking blowing it on that one. Now, before you get all sad and depressed, wake up and realize you have a chance to redeem yourselves here. The Canadian Bacon would be the coolest thing you've done since actual Canadian bacon, my friends, and to be honest, your list of cool accomplishments isn't exactly up to snuff by North American standards.

That's why I'm calling on everyone, Canadians, Americans, everyone: spread the word on this. If you think this is a joke, screw yourself - but please sign the petition first.

Again, leave a comment on this or the previous post to sign. Together, we can show the NBA what an amazing opportunity they're passing up.

Thank you.

The Breakfast of Champions

Okay, let's face it: there are professional sports teams whose names either suck, don't make sense, or both. For example, unless the NBA has a sense of irony so acute that they've repeatedly turned down offers to chair the board at Hipster Runoff, "the Utah Jazz" is an affront to everything associated with intelligence.

So, I will now set out to correct these wrongs. You're welcome.

1. The Memphis Grizzlies. That's "Memphis", Tennessee and that's "Grizzlies" as in bears. This is a basketball team that started out in Vancouver, where there are theoretically grizzly bears, but mostly it's just potheads and dirty, uber-Euro, "we come from the Planet of White Creepy Twins" hockey players.

New Name: The Memphis Blues. Sure, hockey already has the St. Louis Blues, but no one outside of St. Louis actually associates the blues and St. Louis, and inter-sports name sharing is no big deal. Right New York, Winnipeg, San Francisco, New York, Texas, St. Louis, Arizona....? You get the point. Next.

2. The Utah Jazz. As I touched on above, the Utah Jazz makes absolutely zero sense. This is a basketball team that started out in New Orleans, which is a jazzy city, and before you mock the term "jazzy city" do me a favor and fuck off. New Orleans can be called jazzy, because I'm pretty sure the "Who Dat?" people would be okay with that, because I'm pretty sure they are always fucking hammered. Utah, on the other hand, would not be okay with any of it. "Jazzy" is probably a swear word in Utah, or a cuss word, as they would call it, and "hammered" is what happens to you in a Utah prison if you ever get drunk.On top of that, the only musical contribution Utah has ever made to society is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and those people wear special, secret underpants that they think protect them from fire, the devil and AIDS. I'm not even sure why there's a basketball team there. Fuck Utah.

New Name: The Utah Peak. They get to keep their mountain logo, which they are currently pairing with "Jazz", naturally, and they also remain an answer to the ever-popular sports trivia question "name the sports teams whose nicknames are not pluralized." Done.


Alternate New Name: The Utah Pioneers, because those crazy Utah people are all proud about... I don't know, being crazy pioneers. Come to think of it, we could go with whatever: The Utah Rush/Shock/Bolts, whatever generic name you want.... fuck it, call them the Utah Wives, they just really need to get rid of "Jazz." Again, fuck you, Utah. Nothing personal.

5. The Los Angeles Lakers. The Lakers were originally from Minnesota, which is "the land of 10,000 lakes" and one hot Indian chick that loves her some butter. Now they're in Los Angeles. There might be lakes there, but they're the kind of lakes that are filled with sand, rocks, homeless people, and no water.

New Name: The Los Angeles Stars might work if it weren't so horrendously awful, which means the house money is on "The Los Angeles Stars." A better name might be The Los Angeles Express. Well, maybe that will be what the NFL's Jacksonville Jaguars and/or Minnesota Vikings and/or St. Louis Rams will become when they move there eventually (actually, the Rams would just be the Rams again). You know what? I can't see the Lakers changing their name now, too much history in L.A. as "the Lakers." Next.

6. Calling a Native American a "redskin" is like calling... you've probably heard this one. Yet, right there in our nation's fucking capital we have the Washington Redskins, and just so we're not confused, the logo is an Indian/Native American with feathers in his hair and additional feathers randomly attached to the back of the logo itself. Because, you know, pride and respect and shit.

New Name: The Washington Generals, as in "the team that always loses to the Harlem Globetrotters", because the Redskins suck. But that won't happen, so...

The Washington Spies. So cheesy, it's a probability. Plus, team owner Daniel Snyder is like a 14 year old with enough money to buy a Ferrari, but the brains to have it fitted with an automatic transmission and painted bright green. Good luck, Peyton! (you heard it here first, or whatever. 3 years, 36 million. Write it down)

8. Oh, Canada. You're down to one baseball team, one basketball team and a handful of hockey teams that, save for Vancouver, suck. What's worse, the baseball and basketball teams have shitty, shitty names. Don't worry Canada, I'm here to help.

8a. The Toronto Blue Jays (baseball). Come on, Canada. If it's going to be a bird, don't have it be a boring bird that everybody sees in their backyard every day, and let it have something to do with Canada. In fact, since the Montreal Expos have moved to Washington D.C., and surprisingly not renamed themselves the Wetbacks, just call them...

New Name: The Canada Geese. That would be AWESOME. I would wear that apparel and root for that team. But we can do better than that. Which brings us to:

8b. The Toronto Raptors (basketball). Here we have the same thing. They're the only Canadian NBA team left. Change them to...

New Name: The Canadian Bacon. And yes, I am totally fucking serious. I know this sounds crazy, but question: how awesome would this be? Follow up question: name 5 off the field sports events that are not criminal/scandalous in nature that would generate more buzz about any team and or/player and/or league (and that "scandalous" means "shut the fuck up, everybody who is thinking 'Tim Tebow sex tape'"). If this were to happen, Stuart Scott's mind would explode (win). Neil Everett would have 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 new catch phrases lined up for every textbook bounce pass this team made, because they are called The Canadian Bacon.  

Look, the NBA is already slowly morphing into a shitty league that no one cares about. Actually, they rapidly morphed into total shit several years ago, so why not have a sense of humor about it? Look at the NHL. Last night was the "Fantasy Draft" for the All Star game. Happen to catch any of that? I'm assuming "no", so let me recap: It seemed like it was being held at a VFW. The microphones were set up so that you could hear the hecklers ("Nice duster Timmy, eh?" - stay classy, Canada). Sure, some folks might criticize this, or look down on it, but this is the league that holds its annual awards ceremony in LAS VEGAS, at The Palms. And guess what? That's AWESOME. That's exactly what the NHL should be. Your move, NBA. This can happen. It needs to.

I'm going to start a petition. Right here, right now. Comment on this post to sign. Think about it.

The Canadian Bacon.




Two out of three of those things are pretty fucking badass, no matter who you are.

Before you say this is a stupid gimmick, may I remind you that the team is currently called "The Raptors." As in, "a dinosaur that was fictionally depicted as being a man-sized, intelligent killing machine in a movie that came out around the time the basketball team was formed, when in actuality the Velociraptor was a single/several kinds of dinosaur(s) about the size of a chicken." A fucking chicken. Diamondbacks is a better team name than Raptors. Stegosaurus would be better name, and they could even have big, bone plates on the backs of their jerseys. As it stands now, this is bullshit. Think about it.
They wear this:

You wear this:

Really, think about it. How long after that shirt/hat/anything became available would you buy it?
I rest my case. You're welcome, Canada.

Dear Zoo Puma

 Dear Zoo Puma, any thoughts on the Super Bowl?

Eric C.
Des Moines, IA

Oh yeah, Eric, I'm totally fucking pumped to watch the Super Bowl, it's the pinnacle of human athletics. And by that I mean: watching Tom Brady run is like watching a giraffe be born when there are lions nearby. It's like "skip walking and run, fucking baby giraffe." By the way, I've been meaning to ask you humans, and this is speaking of sports, is swimming a joke? I can't tell when I watch. I have to assume it is, because I can't believe that 350 million years of evolution have left sharks that fucking dumb. Sharks: new flash. Eat people. Not only can't people swim very well, but they have no concept of... I don't even know, let me put it to you this way: they get sad when whales wash up on the shore. I know, right? What the fuck? That's food, bitches. I know, I know, it's sad when "smart" animals die. Or, it's huge amounts of dead flesh. What? Well, here's the fucking scoop: everybody dies, and sometimes it hurts. On top of that, everybody gets eaten. For whatever reason, you humans have decided that only worms and insects should eat you. I know, girls, fucking gross, right? Fuck you.

Anyway, wait until all the asshole New Yorkers lay their bets and the line comes down to 2&1/2. If New England is going to win, it's going to be by 3, because they always win by 3. Give the points and take New England. Growwlllllraoooarrr.

Zoo Puma

Dear Zoo Puma, slow season for new movies, and my wife is begging me for a date night. Any suggestions?

Joe M.
Marshfield, MA

Well, Joe, I'm totally pumped to see that new movie 'The Grey' with Liam Neeson, where he fights off a pack of hungry wolves with fucking seat cushions and wrist watches and whatever else he can scrounge from his plane that crashed in the middle of the Arctic wilderness. By the way, awesome job conquering the friendly skies, humans. Anyway, my favorite part of trailer is when Liam and his buddies are surrounded by wolves, and he says something like "stare right back at their eyes, they'll back down." Oh, no shit? That works on hungry wolves? Good advice, fuckface. You know, I wonder why they didn't make that movie about a plane that crashed over the Amazon basin. Oh right, because if you tried that "stare down" shit with pumas, it would have zero effect on the outcome of the encounter that ends with the pumas eating the flesh off of your fucking faces, which, hint hint, is exactly how an encounter with wolves would end, too. But fuck it, he misses his wife so much...

Anyway, is "The Artist" a silent movie, or a movie with talking about a silent movie? You know what, fuck you. Rent Braveheart again, dickhead.

Zoo Puma

Dear Zoo Puma, have you heard those new Liberty Mutual Auto Insurance radio commercials where some one gets in an accident, and calls some one to let them know, which changes that person's plans, which, in turn, changes another set of plans with another person, leading to another phone call, and another, and so on and so forth? Well, I've noticed that in both the versions of that commercial which I've heard, each of the characters is Hispanic/Latino, and because these are radio commercials, naturally, I deduced this from the fact that every 'character' has a "Spanish" accent. On top of that, each one of these characters is identified as a family member, meaning, the wife in the accident calls her husband, who calls his brother, who calls his cousin... My question is, wouldn't these people be speaking Spanish to each other? I realize that Liberty Mutual may be trying to reach a specific demographic, but is this the right way to do it? As a follow up, does the fact that they're not speaking Spanish make this, technically, a racist commercial?

Longmeadow, NY

Dear Tim, All I can say is, I am 100% sure you are white. Thanks for writing.



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