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You Blew It For All of Us

Last month, Justin Bieber turned 18. This means a lot of things to a lot of people (trust me), but to me it means one thing: he missed out on the biggest opportunity of his career. With one song, the Beebs could have permanently installed himself as pop’s badass, in ways his feeble Canadian attitude can now only dream of.

I give you “Chaperone.”

I’ll explain the song by describing the video, because that's how his target demographic figures out what songs are about nowadays (Exhibit A: Most songs nowadays actually are all about choreographed dancing and getting it on. Exhibit B: Linkin Park could come out with a song called "Killing My Family With an Axe" consisting of one chord and the title being repeated 26 times and closing with "while they're asleep" - but if the video had images of war in the Middle East, Rolling Stone would put it on it's "Top Protest Songs of 2010" list. Anyhoo...):

We start with Bieber getting dropped off at soccer practice. His mom, played by Dina Lohan (or Lindsay if they could make her look a little younger), immediately begins flirting with a ref, coach, etc. She's the real life Dina Lohan: probably drunk, probably got a few Percocets in the tummy, and probably more closely resembles an ashtray than a human on a cellular level. But Justin’s implied, missing Baby Daddy  definitely left the cash behind, so they're high rolling, as evidenced by the Land Rover they’re driving.  But Bieber needs more than flash, he needs a woman to notice him, to take care… Whoa! Who's that on the sideline? Daaamn, that's soccer teammate Tevin's mom. as played by Beyonce. She is looking gooood, in a soccer mom way. Uh oh? Where's Dina Lohan? Better not ask, Justin. But don't worry, Beyonce will give you a ride home. Hmmm, was that a shared glance? Hmmm. Ok, we're home, Bieber. Right up to his room he goes, because mom is arguing with some dude (as played by Kevin Federline). Time to day dream. About Beyonce.

Cut to Beyonce, back at her house. Her son Tevin is on the computer in the living room. Beyonce slips into Tevin's room...well, well, well… a yearbook. Hmmm...there's Bieber. Oh snap.

Cut to an actual soccer game, where Beyonce cheering more for Bieber than for Tevin. After the game, is that flirting? No, couldn't be, there’s too much of an age difference. But that doesn't stop another mother  from casting a disapproving glare...

Cut to the semi formal. You know what happens: Beyonce is a chaperone, and she is looking straight BANGIN’. Bieber is all Biebered out: he's rockin' the slightly sideways hat thing, black suit, no tie and unlaced high tops. They know they can't dance together. There's just no way...there's only one thing to do: Bieber leads a choreographed dance on the dance floor...and Beyonce leaves, flustered. She runs home, crying, trying to talk herself out of these crazy feelings. But she can’t help but to picture Bieber, singing to her…

Next soccer practice, Beyonce shows up, and there's Bieber, flirting with a girl his own age. Bieber and Beyonce make eye contact, and exchange a knowing glare. Whatever they had was over, and so is the video. Fade to black.

That works. I don't care what anyone says. I know there would be controversy, but so what. That is a MEGA HIT. FYI - it's a slow jam. Ok.
Happy birthday, Bieber. You blew it.


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