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Dear Zoo Puma

Today’s “Dear Zoo Puma” will be written by guest advice columnist Niko Bellic, of Grand Theft Auto IV fame, who is filling in while Zoo Puma deals with an illness.

Dear Zoo Puma,

My husband has been having a very hard time reading and watching television lately, but he refuses to wear eyeglasses. I’m worried that he may have trouble seeing when he’s driving or at work in the machine shop he owns. How can I convince him to wear the glasses he so obviously needs?

Flint, MI


That is very good question. In my country, when I was boy, there was Croatian boy with glasses. He was teased. Then… I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say I have seen a lot of pain in my life. Let’s say maybe he was executed when his father was found to be making trouble for the Army.

I would tell husband to wear glasses, and maybe if he doesn’t listen I can come and convince him for you? I don’t want trouble. I give you my cell phone number, and you can call.

Maybe if husband realize that I will bury him like a dirty traitor, maybe he wears glasses then. But I don’t know. This country is so confusing to me. I am sorry for your problems.


Dear Zoo Puma,

It seems to me that a lot of the products sold via infomercial are really awesome sounding ideas, but I don’t want to get scammed by shady business people. I just have an uneasy feeling about infomercials. What do you think, should I take the plunge?

Detroit, MI

Hi Dan,

I have same problems. This country has so many people who lie. In my country… I saw too many lies. Too many consequences for the pain of lies. Sometimes I wonder why I came to Liberty City.

I have used Ronco Showtime Rotisserie oven in my apartment. It is good oven. I can set it and forget it. But maybe you refer to products like hanger system for closet. I cannot be sure of this. My closet does not have hanger system.

Maybe you can order product you like and see if it is good product. You will not get answers from me, I can’t tell you. Capitalism is disease in this country, and is no better than system in my country. I wonder why there is so much… it is complicated. Perhaps only way to fix problem is to… I don’t know. I hope you find good product.


Dear Zoo Puma,

My girlfriend has really begun complaining about where I’ve been taking her on dates. She’s saying that we need to start visiting places that are more “sophisticated” and “mature.” I’m not sure I’m ready for that sort of thing. Any advice on how to get her to back off?

Cleveland, OH


This is good question. I am not sure why women are acting like they do, but in my country it was not normal to be bossed like child. But, here in your country, women are very sure they do not want to go to strip club with your drunk cousin on every date. Also, they do not like to hit pedestrians more than only one or two times when dropping off from date.

I have also learned that women here do not like violence on date. So, do not bring on drive-by shooting job you need to do for favor to drug dealer you know. Before I come to this country… I saw many things… I don’t know.

I could talk to your lady for you about my country, where I saw a village full of women… it was hard. But I was young, you say? Some things can change you, make you do things you don’t know are right. I don’t want to talk about that anymore.

Maybe take your lady to comedy show, or to nice bar. Then, when you drop her off, she will take you inside for sex. Unless you are wanted by police. Then you must drive around first.

Good luck,

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