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Dear Zoo Puma

Dear Zoo Puma,

With technology moving so fast these days, my wife and I have been reluctant to purchase smartphones. However, my contract is up this month and we’ve decided to take the leap. That said, we were wondering if you could recommend whether we go with Apple’s iPhone or any of the multiple Android phones available.

Dave T.
Sarasota, FL


Wow, you’ve really got a problem on your hands there. Whenever I find myself facing a problem I just sit in my cage. In the zoo. Unless that problem happens to be that my “handlers” have neglected to clean up my shit pile, in which case I need to be mindful to sit in the other part of my cage. That being out in the direct sunlight, or rain, or snow… Before you say it, I’ve tried shitting out in the open, but wouldn’t you know it, that’s where my “handlers” insist upon placing my food. You know, so that I have to be visible to spectators for at least part of the day.

As far as your question, I could really give a fuck about smartphones, Dave. I’m a puma in a zoo. I would say go with the Android though, because Apple users particularly bother me, walking around outside my cage, blissfully unaware at how fortunate you humans are that my ancestors no longer roam your lands. I hate you.
The Zoo Puma

Dear Zoo Puma,
 Have you ever noticed how a bunch of the Eddie Murphy action-y comedies from the 80s, like the 48 Hrs movies and The Golden Child, use that riff from Stevie Wonder’s “Superstition” over and over, but the song itself is not on the soundtrack or anything? Is there a story behind why that is?

Thank you,
Reno, NV

Dear Reggie,

Yes! I noticed that at last week’s movie night. That’s where they let all of the animals out of our cages, unfurl a huge fucking screen and let us watch classic Eddie Murphy movies from the 1980s. I thought I heard a familiar song over and over as I ate one of the flamingos…now I know it was “Superstition.” It’s been bugging me all week. Almost as much as the fact that I’m in a zoo, douchebag, and they never let me out of my cage. And even if I was lucky enough to have some stupid kid drop his portable DVD player down into my enclosure, it would probably have some stupid Yo Gabba Gabba crap in it. Not that I’d even bother trying to watch, as you see Reggie, I have no opposable thumbs. You win again. Have fun evolving on your couch with Doritos the next time Comedy Central plays those horribly edited movies for you and your stoner friends, asshole.

The Zoo Puma

Dear Zoo Puma,

My husband’s snoring is out of control! We’ve tried all of the popular home remedies, and even tried a prescription mouthpiece, but nothing is working. Do you have any advice? Please help!

Madison, WI

Hi Diane,

Wow, that must really be tearing your marriage apart. Have you tried kicking your disgusting husband out of the bed? No? Oh, because you would be so lonely at night. Right. That would just be devastating, lying there in your bed, alone. Kind of like laying on hay spread out over concrete, which is how I sleep. I can’t tell if it’s the loneliness or the fact that I’m sleeping on hay spread out over concrete that keeps me up at night, but I’d trade both of those and one of my balls to live the kind of life where fucking snoring is atop my complaints list.

I apologize, Diane. I actually have heard about a certain cure for snoring: it’s called getting eaten by a fucking puma. So feel free to visit anytime. Sure, after I ate your husband, they’d shoot me. Whatever, I give up.

The Zoo Puma

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