Dear Zoo Puma

Dear Zoo Puma,

We’re writing to you today because we think you need a bit of perspective. You see, we are the lab chimps recently released from our facility in Austria, and we think you need to realize that although you are in a zoo, things really could be much worse for you.

For years, we were subjected to cruel treatment and human experiments. Here is a link to a story about our plight, and our release.

We ask that you please remember all of the unfortunate animals who are abused in this manner. We do understand that your captivity may be stressful to you, but we again ask that you try to maintain a sense of perspective and curb your combative demeanor.

Sincerely,

Sasha, Zeke, Bonzi, et al.

Austria

Dear Chimps,

All I can say is “wow.” That letter really moved me. And I don’t mean “I moved from one side of the cage I’m still in to the other side of the cage I’m still in” – I mean, it really changed my perspective. Before I read your letter, I was all like “I’m a puma in a zoo.” But now I think “I’m a puma in a zoo.” Totally fucking different.

You see before, I hadn’t really ever thought about experiments, or getting out, or whatever. But now I do. See, I think “The zoo experiment goes as follows: humans will see how long I can live in this zoo, and then I will die in my cage, and then they will figure out how many humans it takes to remove a dead puma from his fucking zoo cage.” Man, thanks for opening my mind. Extra special thanks for sending the link. I really got to test my cage’s broadband on that one.

This is all making me pretty emotional. Let me ask you: are Kleenex products safe for animals, or do they save that sort of shit for the rabbits and give you guys the really psychological crap like PTSD? Whatever.

Listen, congratulations on being free. I’m pumped for you. But mostly, I’m pumped for the predators in whatever jungle they eventually release you to, who will have some easy snacks on their hands soon enough.

Enjoy Freedom,

The Zoo Puma

Dear Zoo Puma,

My friend has asked me to help him move. Being a good friend, I’ve agreed, but I’m concerned this might turn into one of those “help me PACK, THEN help me move” things. Any advice on how I can prevent this?

Thanks,

Eric A.

Pittsburgh, PA

Yo Eric,

Great question. That’s a really great question for me, because I have a lot of experience with moving. In fact, my experience with moving is two-fold. First, I got moved to this fucking zoo. Unfortunately, I was unconscious for the entirety of that episode, so I didn’t really get a lot of input into the whole “bring that, throw away the lamp” stuff. I do have experience in moving some stuff though. There’s a log in my enclosure that’s light enough for me to carry around in my jaws, so I move that sometimes. It’s not really a log, I think it’s made of some plastic composite that’s probably giving me a cancer that will go undetected and untreated and eventually cause me to die in excruciating pain, but remember: lift with your back.

Here’s my advice, Eric: don’t lift any plastic logs with your pussy human jaws. Avoid that, and your miserable day of freely moving from one place to another should be more bearable than the litany of awful cancers I’ve just helped your ridiculously weak human immune system avoid.

Best,

The Zoo Puma

Dear Zoo Puma,

I just want you to know that our class is so excited for our field trip to your zoo next week! All of the students are ready to have their pictures taken in front of your enclosure, and we’re really excited to see all of the other animals, too! Hopefully it’s a beautiful day so that you don’t hide in the way back of your enclosure like you did during last year’s field trip.

Sincerely,

Miss Tamalyn

Woodridge Elementary 2^nd Grade

Dear Miss Whatever,

I have a message for your class:

Sincerely,

The Zoo Puma