GhostOfTyroneTo: Dave dave@XXXXXXX.com
Subject: Re: Bad News
Just read your email. Man, that’s too bad about you and Melissa. I thought you guys would get married. Did she really not say why? This can be tough, man. This is when you need your friends. I am here for you, and I have an idea.
I’ve noticed that when some people go through difficult times, they have a big road race, so that’s what we’re going to do. Like a 5k or something. We can do it in your town. Think about it: we can start a website, like www.run2healdave.com, make it look all fancy, throw the New Balance logo on there, and boom. Race time.
Here’s the thing: nothing brings people together like a 5k, Dave. And you need people right now. You need hundreds of out of shape, sweaty strangers laboring through the streets of your hometown, snarling traffic. You also need a few big time douchebags who are just waiting for another charity 5k to totally dominate. You need it for you.
You work in IT, so get this website running. Don’t worry about money, we’ll make this a race where people need to pay to run. Those are the best kinds of races. They make people care about you when you need them to, and that time is now. Do you know who else would totally get down with this? The local schools. Once you get the site up, send them an email asking if the students would be interested in handing out water and numbers to the runners. It’s free labor; schools can never say no to this shit.
Oh man, we could have a sweep car, too. Did you ever notice that about a third of the entrants into these 5ks end up walking the last half, like that’s an option? Not in this race, buddy. We can have sweep cars with mounted speakers yelling things like “Pick it up or get off the road! CHILDREN are beating you!!” or “You are a disgrace! This is the RUN to heal Dave, not the heart attack simulation walk!!!” and “Hey baby, tell your mother that baby weight is no excuse for sucking at running!” It would be for motivation. People in ski masks could jump out and be like “Hand over your number! You are EMBARRASSING DAVE!!!” Is there a Weight Watchers or one of those “women only” gyms in your town? Sponsors. Let them know that’s the whole point: we are interested in healthy women. A sick woman has given you a heart problem, and we are fucking running until we have the cure, bitch! Maybe leave out the “bitch” – but you get my point.
Dude, this is going to be awesome. Think about it: we’ll have this awesome road race, and your problems will be solved. Plus, we will have thousands of dollars.
Oh my God, doesn’t your cousin know the Gin Blossoms? One of the guys? Dave, the Gin Blossoms may not have known it when they formed, but they were made to play post-5k charity cookouts. And that’s what we’re having after the charity 5k. Dave, if we can surround with hundreds of joggers, THEN hundreds of people listening to the Gin Blossoms and eating hot dogs, you will be cured on the spot.
Get to work, Dave. This is no time to let life get you down. This is the time to draw on the strength of those around you, and the strength of hundreds of jogging strangers. It’s time for a 5k.
I will be the treasurer, so keep me updated.