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Dear Zoo Puma

Dear Zoo Puma,

I’m growing increasingly frustrated with my wife’s insistence upon not utilizing the HD channels available to us with our cable subscription. She’ll DVR standard-def programs, order standard-def movies on demand, and every time I look, it seems that she’s viewing a program is standard-def that’s available in HD. I keep asking her why we bother to pay for the HD package! Plus, the SD stuff looks so crappy and pixilated; I’m not sure what’s wrong with her. Any advice?

New Haven, CT

Hi Dan,

When you speak to your wife about this, what kind of tone are you using? I’m guessing it’s a “non-effective” tone. You need to step it up if you want to get results. See, in the jungle, when I wanted someone to cut the shit, I would bite them. Not really hard, but enough to get the point across, you know? It seems, though, that you humans have a problem with this sort of behavior, so I’ll tell you what happens to me here in the zoo if I happen to object to an order from my human handlers.

If I don’t immediately comply, I’m poked at with a stick. So the next time you confront your wife, try jabbing her with a pole. If that doesn’t work, go get some more people with more poles, and have them start yelling and poking her, too. Now, your wife sounds pretty stubborn, so I’m guessing you’ll have to take it to step three. Basically, just walk away like you’ve given up. Then, from a safe distance, shoot her with a tranquilizer dart, put her in a net and lock her in a small room. You should be able to enjoy the HD picture then. If she wants to watch with you, you could try putting her in a small cage in the room while you go about your business of securing the proper HD picture. After you let her out, make sure you start putting her food in a different place, and maybe take away one of her toys. That’ll get the message across.

Good Luck,
The Zoo Puma

Dear Zoo Puma,

I’ve noticed that there seems to be a ton of road kill this time of year; any idea why?

Alexandria, VA


I’ve thought a lot about this myself. I thought about it a lot until it occurred to me that animals have no fucking concept of cars, roads, or absolutely any of the circumstances that lead up to their becoming ‘road kill.’

Now Sally, we’ve never met, but I’m guessing you might be one of those people that honks at animals in the road, right? That’s awesome. Picture this: something 200 times your size is barreling towards you at 40 miles per hour, and you’re standing there frozen. Suddenly, this huge object that you do not understand makes a noise that you completely fail to comprehend. Then you die. Does that make sense? I know, you’re thinking “I would move.” Bullshit. Sally, humans invented trains, there is absolutely zero question as to which direction a train will move in, and yet people get hit by trains. If you’re so concerned about road kill, start walking.

It’s like the other pumas and I used to ask each other back in the jungle: “why don’t humans just climb a tree when we’re chasing them down? Oh yeah, that’s right, because we climb trees better than they sit on couches.”

Drive safe,
The Zoo Puma

Dear Zoo Puma,

It seems to me that every election cycle starts earlier and earlier. Do you think this sort of thing really serves us, the people that these politicians are ultimately supposed to be representing and, ultimately, serving?


Sacramento, CA

Hi Roger,

You know, I haven’t really been following politics too much lately. Can you tell me who’s running on the “Free the Fucking Zoo Animals” platform this year? In any event, I hope whoever gets in can fix the economy, because my retirement prospects really blow now that I live in a zoo.

Here’s my take: I hope whoever wins the election is the one who’s going to lead you stupid-ass humans down the road to destruction. Not so much because I hate everything about humans except for your delicious taste – which I do – but mostly because I’m looking to live in one of those awesome, post-apocalyptic worlds where zoo animals escape and roam the city streets.

So, unless there is a FFZA candidate running this year, please vote for whichever candidate seems the most likely to just totally mess shit up. Or, if there is any candidate who says “let’s replace our soldiers with predatory animals armed with weapons”- please vote for them. In fact, please be that candidate.

I just hope whoever gets in solves the whole health care debate, because I’ve got an abscessed tooth going on here, and in case you don’t know, that’s pretty much lights out for pumas. Oh no wait, yay! I live in a zoo! That means now I’ll just get mushy soy pellets instead of crunchy ones. Phew! I thought I might actually be able to die with dignity there. Thanks for cheering me up, Roger. I hope your guy wins, and I hope you live in a zoo one day.

The Zoo Puma

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