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The Year of the Stache

2012 has a lot of things going for it. Actually, I can only think of “presidential election” and “leap year”, but I just wanted to start out on a positive note. So, mission accomplished. Anyway, everyone knows I’m into big ideas, and everyone knows I’ve been doing a lot of mascot creation lately – and by “a lot” I mean “I’m sporadically working on one.”

Through the exhaustive research that goes along with creating a mascot, I found this little tidbit: The 1978 New England Patriots “almost” adopted a new logo. They eventually decided to stick with what they had at the time, but not until a replacement logo had already been selected and introduced to fans. This is true, and here is the "new" logo:

I am sure you have noticed exactly what I did, and no, I don’t mean “wow, that looks sort of similar to the current logo, which they switched to in 1993.” No, I mean that this logo is literally screaming for a mustache:

Holy shit, it’s Tom Selleck. Tom Selleck, NRA spokesperson, a.k.a. “patriot.” This totally means something. Don’t believe me? Think you can slap a mustache on any old mascot and have it make sense and remain aesthetically pleasing? Let’s take the new Patriots logo, and add a mustache:

He just looks very concerned. Let’s try to distinguish the ‘stache a bit:

No better. My point is proven, whatever it was.

Why am I wasting your time with this, you ask? Well, I think that this is all coming together to tell me something, exactly like what happened to Richard Dreyfuss in “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”, but with more action and less cheesy jumpsuits. If you've never seen that movie, don't bother*, I'm basically just saying that I see it as a sign that mascot research and boredom led me to put a mustache on the discarded 1978 replacement logo for the New England Patriots. Pretty obvious when I put it that way, right? Okay.

My friends, it's therefore apparent that the powers that be are trying to tell me that it’s time to declare 2012 “The Year of the Mustache.” I know, I know, mustaches are played out, ironic, hipster-y jokes – and I’m just attaching myself to that phenomenon by proposing this, right? Not even close. Men out there, how many of you have worn a mustache? Now, how awesome did it feel? If we agree that even 25% of that feeling was the knowledge that you were doing something “edgy”, you’ve still got a full 75% of awesome feeling that’s coming from the power of the mustache. For those men out there that haven't worn one, tell your girlfriend or wife to shut the hell up (nicely, of course; Super Bowl coming up) and grow one. Can't grow one? Draw one on. No excuses.

Look, we can wait for some other time to hash out the details as to why the mustache went from being a “prerequisite for professional athletes” as recently as 1990, to “ironic, hipster, ‘it’s news that Wes Welker has a mustache at the Super Bowl’ status” just 20 years later. I will remind you however, that during the reign of the ‘stache in the 80’s, and then through much of the 1990s, there was another form of ostracized facial hair: the full beard. Don’t believe me? Go ask some woman over 36 if she remembers when Noah Wylie from "E.R." grew a beard. She will. And look at beards now. In fact, try not to look at beards now. See my point?

So let it be known that here at GhostOfTyrone, 2012 is now officially “The Year of the Mustache.” Men out there: get growing. We will win this battle based on the simple logic that “it can’t be wrong if we all do it together.” It’s time to reclaim our upper lips and cover them in pubic hair like God intended! Wait, wait, that came out wrong.

Just get growing!

*By the way, “Close Encounters” confuses the hell out of me. Does Richard Dreyfuss construct the Eiffel Tower out of French fries if he wants to take a French vacation? Would that “mean something”? And every time I want to give that little five note, hand signal “communication” music credit, I think “the whole rationale behind that was to let the aliens know we were trying to communicate,” as opposed to there just happening to be this huge lab with 10,000 enormous spotlights out in the middle of the desert, exactly where the aliens had told us to set it up. So yeah, better make sure they are aware that this was not a coincidence. For crying out loud, it's 1975 and Richard Dreyfuss is playing an electrician that does not have a mustache? No wonder everyone thought you were crazy, Dick! Ok, I’m done.


Smack said...

I have tried, but it always comes out looking like the wispy Larry Bird style mustache. Not a good look. It's too pedophile.

GhostOfTyrone said...

Smack, you have to play the hand you are dealt. No one called Larry Bird a pedophile for wearing his mustache, and not because he was a great NBA player - it was because everyone had a mustache back then.

Grow it.

Anonymous said...

Larry Bird is from French Lick, Indiana. If that were my hometown, I might feel compelled to rock a 'stache as well.


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