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Dear Dentists

Dear Dentists,

What’s up? How are you? I’m okay, thanks. Toothache, but other than that, pretty good. What? No, I’m not writing because of the toothache. Yes, I know I should come in right away to have it checked out. You know what else I know? You’re a bunch of assholes. You know how I know that? Because I know what you’re going to say to me if I come in to see you. You’re going to lecture me about tooth care. You’re going to tell me that I need to brush more, floss more, see you more, and eat less sugar. Sound right? Yeah, I’ve got that down pat. WE ALL DO. Do you know why? We learn it in KINDERGARTEN, asshole.

Screw You!
Tell me, dentist, I’m assuming you went to kindergarten, yes? An elementary school at least? Good. Now, remember all those cartoon-rendered posters depicting x-rays of people’s knees and hips that said things like “Harry the Hip says ‘take care of your joints!’”? Remember those? The big, anthropomorphic bones, ligaments and joints? No? Neither do I, because they weren’t there. What was there were a bunch of “Timmy the Tooth” and “Danny Dental” and “Louis the Completely Unrealistically Nice Dentist” posters telling me to take care of my teeth. To brush, to floss, not eat sugar, all that jazz. For crying out loud, sugar is depicted in monster form in the halls of every elementary school in the country, and yet you still feel the need to lecture me every time I visit. You even told me I brushed too much once. That was awesome. Another time, I swear to God, you told me I was flossing “too efficiently.” I guess they don’t teach English at The Dental University of We Let Our Hygienists Do 90% of Our Job, because “too efficiently" is not possible.

When I go to the orthopedist, or the dermatologist, they don’t lecture me. They might give me some advice, and even if it gets a little stern, I let it slide, because hey, it’s not like I had “Ulysses the UV Ray” telling me that he was trying to kill me every time my eyes strayed from the alphabet charts.

In closing, dentists, back the F off. Seriously. Fix my teeth, and shut up doing it. Nobody wants to hear your crap, because nobody likes you, because you’re a bunch of assholes. We're done here.



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