July 6, 2011
Abbott State University
3245 Lafayette BLVD
Salem GA 35261
To Whom It May Concern:
I will try to keep this brief, because this sort of thing kind of freaks me out, to be totally honest. And like Jeff, I like to play it straight. Let me repeat that: Jeff is straight. Not that it matters. And by that I mean, I'm actually not sure about that. Not important.
Anyway, I had no idea that Jeff was into science, let alone spicing up genes. To put it bluntly, I am not. I am a wordsmith, hence Jeff asking me to write this on his behalf. Here’s the point: I had heard for a while that Jeff wanted to study the Hu/Manatees, but when I tried to ask Jeff about this Hu/Manatee project, he seemed pretty confused. Again, I do not speak the language of science. I’m probably offending whoever is reading this right now, because I have learned that you science people are very analytical. You’re probably picking this apart right now, in some sort of uncomfortable metallic chair…but enough about you and me.
As far as Jeff’s qualifications for this project, I can provide the following anecdote:
One warm June evening several years ago, Jeff and I were returning home from our favorite restaurant, by foot, through the streets of Atlanta. Well, what should we find on the ground in front of us but a crisp, new twenty dollar bill? Nothing. That’s what we found: “A Jacko,” as Jeff fondly refers to them. Without missing a beat, Jeff says “I can’t walk anymore, bro. Let’s grab a cab.” I said “Jeff, this is a trap!” to which he coolly replied “dude, stop stealing my Ritalin.” With that, Jeff deftly motioned to the passing taxi, and we were home before I knew it. Since that night, I’ve been trying to think of a way to describe Jeff’s actions by using animals. Now it all makes sense: he had the cunning skills of a human, paired with the girth and grace of a manatee.
I just read that back to myself. Wow. It’s even more impressive when you read your own memories. The point here is: if there’s anyone qualified to splice the genes of a human and a manatee, it’s probably you. And you’ve decided you need help. Jeff can help you. Again, I really had no idea that Jeff was into science fiction, or stuff like this, but what I do know is that apart from everything I’ve said above, he’s also seen Saw IV like fifteen times, and I’m pretty sure he’s also seen that movie “The Re-Animator”, too. That’s pretty much EXACTLY this position, so, Jeff is your man.