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Be Mine

I would be a good stalker.

Like, I'd be really good at freaking you out, but then I'd also be good in the sense that once you found out it was me (like when I was waiting for you in the shower, or something) you'd be like, "well, actually that's pretty good for a stalker. Let’s be bestest friends" because I wouldn't be, like, bearded or dirty or wearing camo pants or anything. I’m like a stalker jackpot, which is pretty good, considering how you always look so lonely at night.

Plus, I'm pretty thoughtful.

I would be a thoughtful stalker, texting you little messages.

Like "Hey, I'm looking at a picture of u, and I'm wearing a diaper and standing in my tub, which I filled with Polo for Men because I know how much u luv when guys wear Polo for Men." Stuff like that - the little things.

You gotta admit - that would be kinda flattering - like I really care.

See, the way girls are - a little bitty part of you would be like "it is true. He noticed"

"Hi. It's me. You're probably at your dentist appointment right now with Dr. Adbal. I don't like the way he looks at you, but anyway, I filled a fish tank with 112,710 of those tiny guppies and then put some sulfuric acid in there. It was in honor of 11.27.10, the day you finally stopped dating that mouth breather Jeremy so that we could be together. Forever. See you soon."

I'd leave little voicemails like that.


"The next time you talk to your mother, please ask her why she takes her slippers off on your father's side of the bed, and then walks all the way around the bed to get in. Your father obviously taught you how to get into bed, because you do it right. Every night."

Compliments like that, which also show an interest in your family. I would do that for you.

"The next time your parents go on vacation, could you please let me know if they're going to have a house sitter? Akwaaaaard. How am I supposed to explain, to someone who's never even met you, that I need another photograph of you so that I can cut out your eyes and staple them to my cat's eyes, because I had to get a new cat because the last one died when I tried to dye it's hair to match the new color you got done the other day. Not to mention that my cat was trying to tell me that you change your hair color so much to shake me off your trail. Obviously, the cat couldn't handle having blue eyes as beautiful as yours."

Which pretty much says: "FYI, I'm an animal lover, too."

Bottom line is: I would make a pretty good stalker, because no one loves you like I do. Especially your bastard mailman.


Anonymous said...

I tried this. With my wife.

As GOT, particularly "Zoo Puma", is my go-to spot for marital advice, I figured that this would also bode well for my fractious marriage.

Well, GOT, you have come through once again. Thank you.

I've learned that few things bring a family together more than an early morning SWAT raid.

The look in my beloved's eyes as I lay naked on the floor of our bedroom, with a black-clad masked man ordering me to quit resiting as he repeatedly tazed me; I think she finally saw the depth of my love for her. More than any box of chocolates or a heart-shaped diamond encrusted pendant could ever convey.

It was a singular moment.

And moreover, I know now that her feelings for me are as powerful as I intuited.

I feel validated. And once all of my computers and phones are returned to me from evidence, and I am able to send her an evite (that site is blocked from the library, freakin' fascists) to the romantic dinner I had planned for us, it will be as though we had renewed our sacred bonds of matrimony.

And when this happens (once the stupid "restraining order" is lifted), I will have only you to thank, GOT.

Thank you.

Also, if you have some info regarding legal council so that I can get my clothes back that would be good to.

Zoo Puma said...

"...I figured that this would also bode well for my fractious marriage... And moreover, I know now that her feelings for me are as powerful as I intuited..."

Here's some advice: put down the books and start paying more attention to your wife, nerd.


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