Hello everyone. I wanted to take a break from my busy schedule of answering your letters, giving out advice, and contemplating suicide to give you a little look at the sorts of emails I receive from my readers. No, not all of the emails I receive are petitions for advice. Not surprisingly, since you humans are vindictive, vicious bastards, some of the emails I get attempt to further mock me. That is, mock me beyond the extent that I am already mocked simply by being locked in a cage and stared at by you disgusting, yet delicious, humans all day. At least, I think you’re trying to mock me. You see, God skimped a bit on my frontal cortex in order to beef up my “tearing the shit out of humans” attributes.
Anyway, let’s check out what I’ve been sent today.
Hey Zoo Puma. Have you seen this? Not sure if you missed it, but the movie Zookeeper came out on DVD Tuesday. I was surprised you weren’t in it! I love reading your column. You should be in movies!Here’s the trailer.
Gee, somehow I missed this movie… I can’t even fucking think right now. At least this movie probably prevented its audience from coming down to an actual zoo… Was that real? Was that movie even real? Was this some clip from Funny Or Die? Would Kevin James even… nope. Holy shit, there it is on iMDB.
How is it that you humans always manage to correctly predict that carnivorous dinosaurs, even animated ones, are going to fuck you up, but fail to realize that if given the chance, freed zoo animals would totally… I’m crying. I’m actually crying.
Look, I can totally understand escapism. Believe me, I get it. So let me close my eyes and picture Anytown, USA, where down at the multiplex, we’ve got 50 idiots in one theater cheering for Kevin “Bears Are Offended That ‘Teddy Bear’ Has Been Co-Opted To Describe Fat, Out of Shape, Bumbling, Idiotic Humans” James to find true love with the help of his fucking captive animals, and right next door you’ve got another 50 idiots cheering for former captive/recently escaped CGI chimpanzees and gorillas to totally bring about the downfall of humanity in Rise of the Planet of the Apes… what the fuck is wrong with you people?
Here’s some escapism for you…here’s how I’ll cope with…this. I’ll imagine a little “switcheroo”, wherein the audiences of these two movies get tricked into seeing the other. “Yes, there you go Johnson family. Theater Three on the right. Your two young children will love it.” “Hey dudes, yep, James Franco is the bomb, this should be awesome. Have fun getting stoned tonight and totally rehashing the err of humanity’s ways after seeing them so vividly…yep, Theater Two, on the left.” Oh no! Something’s wrong! The wrong movie is showing. Emergency! The doors are locked! Let us out! THERE’S A PUMA IN HERE!!!
Screw that, I’d just lock ‘em in and show Faces of Death. And then eat them, of course. Let's open another email...
Zoo Puma, have you seen this? It’s viral right now. Awesome. A turkey totally attacks a news reporter. I had no idea turkeys were like that. He must have had rabies! Anyway, love the column. Peace.
Does anyone know if it’s true whether you can die just by holding your breath? Will that work? Or will I just pass out and wake up with a headache, like when it's "Zoo Dentist" time?
That shit just blew my mind. I mean, I’ve had you humans all wrong. I figured that if you were so successful at capturing pumas, and lions, and literally everything, things you fucking eat wouldn’t freak you out. Who is this lady? And oh yes, this is definitely news. I would put it under the headline: “It’s Official: Devolution. Back to the Caves for Us.”
Now, I know that God didn’t give you sabre-like teeth, or knife-like claws, or the ability to run fast, or to be all that strong, or really anything except huge frigging brains… SO WHY CAN THIS LADY NOT FIGURE OUT THAT IT IS A FUCKING TURKEY CHASING HER, AND EXACTLY WHAT THAT MEANS? I know, I’ve heard your stories: “Oh, oh, geese are totally nasty if you mess with them. They bite!” Really? Something with wings for arms and webbed feet chooses to bite you when you fuck with it? Stop fucking with it then. “That lady didn’t do anything to that turkey” you say? Sure. That was the turkey’s house in the middle of the forest it lives in. Those are the turkey's children's toys in the yard. It's the turkey's own children that throw rocks at it. That was a turkey mailman driving the turkey mail truck in the turkey fucking street that the turkey almost dies in every day. To sum up: every single animal hates you, except for your stupid dogs.
Lady, kick the damn turkey. Better yet, use your opposable thumbs and pick the damn thing up and rip its head off. I'm sure you've totally been working out at the gym, so it's time to find out how the eliptical machine scores in the "effective upper body excercise" department. "But I don't want manly arms" you say? Ok, well, get used to being terrified of turkeys you pathetic loser.
I might be wrong here, but I’m pretty sure it was well before the advent of firearms that you humans took to eating flightless birds. The “thanks” in “Thanksgiving” doesn’t denote “Thank God for the fucking muskets we’ve recently invented. Now we can finally eat some turkey! And shoot Indians from a safe distance!” It only applies to the Indians part.
The only upside to all of this is that it is literally a matter of time before we get video of some idiot narrating his own death as he’s eaten alive, because he’s too much of an idiot to put the camera down, shut the fuck up, and take care of some business. Or just drop the camera and run, which is a more likely outcome from you pussies...
“I can’t throw my camera...” I wonder what the Indian word was for that…