You Blew It For All of Us
Last month, Justin Bieber turned 18. This means a lot of things to a lot of people (trust me), but to me it means one thing: he missed out on the biggest opportunity of his career. With one song, the Beebs could have permanently installed himself as pop’s badass, in ways his feeble Canadian attitude can now only dream of.
I give you “Chaperone.”
I’ll explain the song by describing the video, because that's how his target demographic figures out what songs are about nowadays (Exhibit A: Most songs nowadays actually are all about choreographed dancing and getting it on. Exhibit B: Linkin Park could come out with a song called "Killing My Family With an Axe" consisting of one chord and the title being repeated 26 times and closing with "while they're asleep" - but if the video had images of war in the Middle East, Rolling Stone would put it on it's "Top Protest Songs of 2010" list. Anyhoo...): We start with Bieber getting dropped off at soccer practice. His mom, played by Dina Lohan (or Lindsay if they could make her look a little younger), immediately begins flirting with a ref, coach, etc. She's the real life Dina Lohan: probably drunk, probably got a few Percocets in the tummy, and probably more closely resembles an ashtray than a human on a cellular level. But Justin’s implied, missing Baby Daddy definitely left the cash behind, so they're high rolling, as evidenced by the Land Rover they’re driving. But Bieber needs more than flash, he needs a woman to notice him, to take care… Whoa! Who's that on the sideline? Daaamn, that's soccer teammate Tevin's mom. as played by Beyonce. She is looking gooood, in a soccer mom way. Uh oh? Where's Dina Lohan? Better not ask, Justin. But don't worry, Beyonce will give you a ride home. Hmmm, was that a shared glance? Hmmm. Ok, we're home, Bieber. Right up to his room he goes, because mom is arguing with some dude (as played by Kevin Federline). Time to day dream. About Beyonce.
Cut to Beyonce, back at her house. Her son Tevin is on the computer in the living room. Beyonce slips into Tevin's room...well, well, well… a yearbook. Hmmm...there's Bieber. Oh snap.
Cut to an actual soccer game, where Beyonce cheering more for Bieber than for Tevin. After the game, is that flirting? No, couldn't be, there’s too much of an age difference. But that doesn't stop another mother from casting a disapproving glare...
Cut to the semi formal. You know what happens: Beyonce is a chaperone, and she is looking straight BANGIN’. Bieber is all Biebered out: he's rockin' the slightly sideways hat thing, black suit, no tie and unlaced high tops. They know they can't dance together. There's just no way...there's only one thing to do: Bieber leads a choreographed dance on the dance floor...and Beyonce leaves, flustered. She runs home, crying, trying to talk herself out of these crazy feelings. But she can’t help but to picture Bieber, singing to her…
Next soccer practice, Beyonce shows up, and there's Bieber, flirting with a girl his own age. Bieber and Beyonce make eye contact, and exchange a knowing glare. Whatever they had was over, and so is the video. Fade to black.
That works. I don't care what anyone says. I know there would be controversy, but so what. That is a MEGA HIT. FYI - it's a slow jam. Ok.
Happy birthday, Bieber. You blew it.
That works. I don't care what anyone says. I know there would be controversy, but so what. That is a MEGA HIT. FYI - it's a slow jam. Ok.
Teen Jesus: Bethlehem P.I.
Chapter One: Olive Your Problems
Jesus slouched in his chair, weary from assisting Joseph with the large order of oxen carriage fittings that Joseph & "Son"'s Carpentry had been toiling over for days. Out his window, he heard footsteps approach from below. Moments later, there was a tap on his doorway. Before him knelt a young, beautiful woman.
"Please, rise woman," Jesus said. "No need to beg. What can I do for you? No, wait," he went on, "let me guess. I've got like a psychic thing. Your family farms olives, and you believe the Romans are cheating your father out of a healthy profit by skimming inventory for their own use at the Centurion Bath House. Am I close?"
"Oh my god," said the woman, "how did you know this?"
"I told you," Jesus replied. "Since my youth, I've known their was something different about me. I have psychic abilities, I'm incredibly smart, and a booming voice in my head is always giving me the perfect solution to whatever problem I'm facing. I figured I'd put these talents to the best use I can think of, which is why you're here."
"There were so many rumors about what made you the best private investigator in all of Galilee...," the woman said.
"Well, now you know," answered Jesus. "Now, let's go grab a drink and hammer out the details of your little problem, love."
"But we're not old enough to drink, where will you get the wine?" the woman asked.
"I have a little trick I'd like to show you" Jesus said, as he led her to the door...
Trollz
So, I've finally joined Facebook. Have you heard of Facebook? It was in a movie. It's an internet thing. Anyway, here's what I've learned about Facebook: people do not give a shit about what they look like online, and they will literally post hundreds of pictures of themselves on Facebook. It's actually very entertaining. I just bounce from profile to profile, looking at all of these people who put up pictures of themselves for anyone to see, anyone to comment on, and anyone to download and turn into an insulting meme.
Who would do that last one, you ask? Me. How did it occur to me to do this, you ask? I saw:
I'm not sure if this is legal, or if it violates some sort of official internet rule (pretty sure I'm all set so long as I don't post names with the pics) - all I do know is that it is definitely unethical and that I will be continuing to do this until I am asked to stop by Facebook, Google, or Sloth himself.
Who would do that last one, you ask? Me. How did it occur to me to do this, you ask? I saw:
 |
| Don't ask me why I'm bothering to black out the other two faces while showing no regard for the privacy or dignity of the third person. I guess I just love the spraypaint can in Microsoft Paint. So, I saw that guy, and I couldn't help it. |
 |
| And Chunk |
I'm not sure if this is legal, or if it violates some sort of official internet rule (pretty sure I'm all set so long as I don't post names with the pics) - all I do know is that it is definitely unethical and that I will be continuing to do this until I am asked to stop by Facebook, Google, or Sloth himself.
Who knows - I could end up doing it to a picture of yours.
Then you'd be famous.
Like this woman would be if I wasn't nice enough to block out her face:
Yes
Pretty harsh, you say? Creepy, insensitive and weird to take an innocuous photo of a random person that I do not know and turn it into an insulting, sure-to-go-viral internet meme, you're thinking?
Well, you're right. I probably shouldn't do this. For one, there's a chance that Sloth is an ex-Marine, or a top secret bounty hunter with a license to kill. He doesn't really look like it, but you get my point. Wouldn't want him finding me in a dark alley one night, because everyone knows that Marines have no sense of humor (they also know the best place to find me is in a dark alley at night). There's also the chance that Mrs. Leopard Dress is married to a psyhco. It's actually a pretty good chance if he's letting her go out looking like that, but I digress.
Bottom line people: it's amazing how eager you are to reveal personal information about yourselves that could be used against you like this. So, think of this as sort of like "To Catch A Predator" with Chris Hansen, but if they were setting up stings on the young girls instead, and the creepy old pedophile dudes were the actors (that would actually be a pretty awesome show, if you didn't think about it for too long, and were just watching for when Chris Hansen went all "what were you thinking" on 14 year old girls). You follow me?
Good. Glad we had this talk, America.
Can I Talk To You For A Moment?
Hi There,
You know, with today's fast paced life, we're all a little hectic, aren't we? It seems like we all spend the time that should be spent relaxing instead asking ourselves, "where did the time go?" I know this can seem like a frustrating, never ending cycle of unease and restlessness. And I know it can stop. How do I know this? Well, I used to have a traditional mattress. Then, I bought a Sleep Number Bed.
Then, I set my sleep number to 1,000,000,000.
You see, your Sleep Number is your own, personal guide to a perfect night's sleep. Your individual Sleep Number is achieved through a patented technology that allows you to select the distinct level of mattress firmness you desire, letting you finally achieve the ultimate in restful, healthy sleep.
When I first ordered my Sleep Number bed, I was naturally skeptical. I toyed around with 42, 58, 6, 90, I just couldn't seem to find the right number. But that's the beauty of a sleep number bed: it works with you to find exactly the right mattress firmness you need to live the sort of fulfilling, joyful life you desire.
Once I figured out how to tweak my Sleep Number to 1,000,000,000, things really started to change for me. I started urinating pure fire. Magnificent, golden flames began shooting from my penis every morning as I awoke.
With a sleep number bed, though, it's not just the things you notice right away, it's the little things. Like how I was actually floating six inches over my bed every night, in a fever dream of throbbing aggression. And my lower back pain was gone.
Those are just some of the life changing results you can expect from a Sleep Number bed. I know, you're wondering about your sleeping partner, and how they'll adjust to your Sleep Number bed.
My wife evaporated when she gazed upon the easy to use LCD Sleep Number remote control that I had set to 1,000,000,000. She literally turned into a cloud of restful, comforting wife vapors, which I inhaled and subsequently urinated in fire form after a rejuvenating, peaceful night's rest, spent hovering six inches over my Sleep Number bed.
So, think about your sleep. Think about your wife. Then, think about how a Sleep Number bed could help you achieve the relaxed, rested and fully transfomative life you've always desired. Then give us a call. There's no pressure, just a number. Just for you.
What's yours?
Dear Zoo Puma
Hi Readers,
I’d like to draw attention to the fact that one of you actually commented on a post of mine, which really has me all tingly inside. Or that could be from the fact that I was just tasered for getting a little too frisky at feeding time. Or it could be that I am fed things like soy and peanut butter, which somehow managed to elude me in the jungle, despite my amazing predatory skills. Or it could just be the physical manifestation of the crippling depression that comes with being a puma that lives in a Plexiglas cage. Who knows.
Anyway, as so many of you are prone to do, this person has commented anonymously, like a real pussy. Well, because I have nothing else to do here in the zoo, I like to guess who my anonymous commenters are, and I think I've nailed this one. Since you fat, disgusting, yet delicious humans are too lazy to go back and read the comment, here it is:
“Zoo Puma, your attitude towards life is remarkably negative. You need to lighten up!
When life gives you turds, make turd-flavored lemonade. It's not as bad as you would think.
MMMmmm. Delicious turd-aid. Who doesn't want that!
I'm pretty sure that if you turned your piercing, frightening, frown (is that a frown? Not sure) upside down, that you would find the world an inviting, accommodating space that, even considering your living situation, would be super-awesome.
Let's cheer up!"
I know, right? It’s Yakov Fucking Smirnoff. What's up, Yakov? I’m a huge fan, huge fan. So gosh, this is one of those moments when you meet an idol, and it puts everything in perspective. That must happen to you all the time, though. You’re a legend. By the way, Yakov, nice fucking exclamation point on the end of "Who doesn't want that!" The turd aid doesn't want that? Brush up on your English, comrade. Sorry, sorry, Yakov. Like you, I'm getting a little cranky sitting here in my tiny living space waiting for your inevitable retro comeback.
Don’t take offense when I explain to everyone that hasn’t been in a coma since 1990 that you were a Russian comedian that made his living explaining to Americans that America was better that Russia. What a comedy act!
You know, when I was first trying my hand at advice columns, I thought of going “all Smirnoff, all the time.” I was so hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing at myself. Or that might have been the quaaludes they were feeding me by the dozen, who knows? And who cares anymore, really? And who can tell if this open sore on my left paw is from gangrene or me gnawing on myself in my tranquilizer-induced sleep every night? Not my handlers, right Yakov?
Yakov, I'm so inspired by you writing in that I've decided to dedicate this advice column to you. Thank you so much for being a mediocre novelty act during my adolescence, and thank you for leaving a shitty comment on my blog. Really, thank you.
Dear Zoo Puma,
I've never seen you answer any questions from readers that involve riddles, like other advice columnists sometimes do. So, I have a riddle for you: You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?
Good Luck!
Susan,
Avery, WADear Susan,
In free world, you’ve just eaten corn.
In Zoo, corn sits with you in cage and stares through saliva stained glass at corn-fed Americans, who would have toilets in their fucking cars if there were holes in the asses of their pants.
What a country!
Dear Zoo Puma,
I’m taking my boyfriend to a pretty fancy dinner this weekend. It’s a work event, and there will be a wine tasting. He’s strictly a beer man, but I don’t want him to stand out and embarrass me. Any suggestions on a good wine to whet his palate for a more sophisticated drink?
I really appreciate your help, love the column!
Danielle,
Blue Hills,
WV
Danielle,
In free world, go with a pinot grigio.
In Zoo, Pinot Grigio is Italian man who tries to tame you by poking you with electric stick manufactured by former coal miners who survived dangerous mine collapse. What a country!
Dear Zoo Puma,
Listen, I’ve been thinking lately that rock music is dead because it had this sort of fragmented demographic. Like, people of all ages might have sort of been into rock, but only younger teenagers really worshipped rockers and wanted to become them, like really got into the whole rock thing. SO like, when mp3s and everything came out, and rock kinda stopped being on the radio, like, these people just, like, kept listening to the same rock stuff. But like pop fans can be anybody, like soccer moms who still buy music, and also those same teenagers who like haven’t totally decided they’re into rock because it sucks now, and stuff. And country music, too, it’s like really big, and that’s just for idiots, and there are tons of idiots always around to ruin everything.
Do you think I’m right?
Zack,
Zack,
In free world, one day rock will come back, in some form, to rail against the very machine that now holds it down.
In Zoo, you will be drugged with only medicines that do not enhance listening pleasure. But you will stare through your one, non-infected eye at the man that holds you down against your will, and you will try to write a shitty Stairway ripoff on a branch that you are hallucinating to be a guitar, and your claws will fall out, leading you to die from infected paw.
What a country!
Trailer Park
I've always wanted to do music reviews here at GhostOfTyrone. Perhaps I will, and this will be the first. The problem is, I can't seem to stay focused on the topic of music for too long before it turns into literally everything else (Yes, literally everything else). Regardless of that, let's proceed, shall we?
This is a sampler of the new album Black Rainbow, by the nice young boys of Aucan:
Nice, no? I certainly like it. When I heard this, my first thought was to do what I always do when I find cool, new music: brag to my friends. Here is that very brag, in its entirety:
“Um, yeah.
This is what people hear in their music caves after our R&B/acoustic/hip-hop/electric/rock/Röyksopp/lo-fi/Miracle/crate-psych quests get derailed by virtue of their conscious residency in a post everything world.
What is this? Just when you say "aaah, more like Black MOTH SUPER Rainbow".. wait, Burial? Wait, Portishead? Wait, am I okay with liking something that sounds this much like Portis... wait, HEALTH? Wait, wait... Oval? Well, shit, this is... wait, Yeasayer (and yes, as I write this - watching the computer scene in Willy Wonka, by the way - I do feel the phantom denim clinging too tightly to my legs, ghostly square framed spectacles blurring the point where that new, denim skin yields to a neatly drawn patterned shirt, right there in the optometric dead zone, just beyond my new, spectral beard).
Post post rock electro post dub prog pop wave?
And for crying out loud, what were people thinking in the 70s? It's like the Earth was a safari tour, and everyone thought "let's marvel at the fact that we're all almost human." And here's the other thing: what happened to Asia in the 70s? Maybe not the best question to ask a Vietnam vet, but apart from that, has any populated continent disappeared from view in any decade since WWII as did Asia in the 70s? Heck, even 70s Vietnam seems theoretical, like it can't exist without Creedence Clearwater Revival providing the backdrop for some "flock of hueys" montage. Think about it: French leave, "advisors", draft, "Vietnam everyone remebers"... five years... fall of Saigon happens one afternoon when everyone says "Shit! Get to the roof!"
Whoop - 700 Club just came on. Time to learn. There's Boehner. Countdown to Middle East Story BOOM Joint chiefs chairman "re-examining" our relationship with Egypt. Also, birth control is the devil. You knew that, right?
And hooray, Jeremy Lin lives a life through Christ. Just like Tebow. Because just like America was thinking this fall: "wait, the Broncos? I thought God liked the Knicks?"And there you have it: my awful review of Black Rainbow, by Aucan. Of course, I knew I was not done. I hadn’t fully captured the feel of the album via the written word. I tried once more to communicate this to my friend:
Anyway, alright.”
“In trying to sum up a good way to explain Aucan, I thought "this sounds like the kind of music that would be the score/soundtrack to some relatively obscure French/German film from 2006 that was designed as a Bourne knockoff and managed to pull it off (mostly because Bourne films were knockoffs of the French and German films that preceded them)." Then I got to thinking about the new Bourne Legacy trailer that just debuted, and how some people have had a problem with the score - specifically, how it's not Moby's "Extreme Ways." Now, I have no problem with the franchise taking a new direction. Matt Damon is out, Jeremy Renner is in, the premise is that "Bourne wasn't the only Treadstone guy to get amnesia, go rogue, etc" - which I am fine with (better than having someone else play Bourne, if you ask me). But I do agree that the music makes this seem like a different movie altogether.”So, ladies and gentlemen, that’s the long way of saying: “Aucan’s Black Rainbow sounds like the kind of music that should be featured in a Bourne film.
Here is the visual way of saying that:
Bourne Legacy Trailer:
Bourne Legacy GOTizzy Aucan Remix Trailer:
Drive
Like most awesome people, I see movies when they come out On Demand. So like all other awesome people, I just saw the hot new flick "Drive."
And because I'm not only awesome, but I also have a blog, here is my review:
Be Mine
I would be a good stalker.
Like, I'd be really good at freaking you out, but then I'd also be good in the sense that once you found out it was me (like when I was waiting for you in the shower, or something) you'd be like, "well, actually that's pretty good for a stalker. Let’s be bestest friends" because I wouldn't be, like, bearded or dirty or wearing camo pants or anything. I’m like a stalker jackpot, which is pretty good, considering how you always look so lonely at night.
Plus, I'm pretty thoughtful.
I would be a thoughtful stalker, texting you little messages.
Like "Hey, I'm looking at a picture of u, and I'm wearing a diaper and standing in my tub, which I filled with Polo for Men because I know how much u luv when guys wear Polo for Men." Stuff like that - the little things.
You gotta admit - that would be kinda flattering - like I really care.
See, the way girls are - a little bitty part of you would be like "it is true. He noticed"
"Hi. It's me. You're probably at your dentist appointment right now with Dr. Adbal. I don't like the way he looks at you, but anyway, I filled a fish tank with 112,710 of those tiny guppies and then put some sulfuric acid in there. It was in honor of 11.27.10, the day you finally stopped dating that mouth breather Jeremy so that we could be together. Forever. See you soon."
I'd leave little voicemails like that.
Romantic.
"The next time you talk to your mother, please ask her why she takes her slippers off on your father's side of the bed, and then walks all the way around the bed to get in. Your father obviously taught you how to get into bed, because you do it right. Every night."
Compliments like that, which also show an interest in your family. I would do that for you.
"The next time your parents go on vacation, could you please let me know if they're going to have a house sitter? Akwaaaaard. How am I supposed to explain, to someone who's never even met you, that I need another photograph of you so that I can cut out your eyes and staple them to my cat's eyes, because I had to get a new cat because the last one died when I tried to dye it's hair to match the new color you got done the other day. Not to mention that my cat was trying to tell me that you change your hair color so much to shake me off your trail. Obviously, the cat couldn't handle having blue eyes as beautiful as yours."
Which pretty much says: "FYI, I'm an animal lover, too."
Bottom line is: I would make a pretty good stalker, because no one loves you like I do. Especially your bastard mailman.
Tribute
Ok, Jennifer Hudson's tribute to Whitney Houston during last night's Grammy Awards ceremony was nice, but how did they not get this guy?
I'm sorry, but this guy beats Hudson in all of the key areas: he sounds more like Whitney, he looks more like Newt Gingrich, and that is the thickest head of hair you will ever see. I'm actually pretty disappointed that Jennifer didn't cut her hair like this, in tribute to the boy who can better pay tribute to the woman that Hudson was herself paying tribute to. That would have been classy.
I don't know if he had a scheduling conflict or what, but this is a blown opportunity for the Grammys. Heck, even a duet with Jennifer Hudson and this dude would be cool.
You'd better hope another superstar musician dies right before next year's Grammys, Grammys. And also that there's a young Asian boy who can perfectly impersonate that dead superstar musician. It's the only way you'll be able to redeem yourselves, and your failing industry.
I'm sorry, but this guy beats Hudson in all of the key areas: he sounds more like Whitney, he looks more like Newt Gingrich, and that is the thickest head of hair you will ever see. I'm actually pretty disappointed that Jennifer didn't cut her hair like this, in tribute to the boy who can better pay tribute to the woman that Hudson was herself paying tribute to. That would have been classy.
I don't know if he had a scheduling conflict or what, but this is a blown opportunity for the Grammys. Heck, even a duet with Jennifer Hudson and this dude would be cool.
You'd better hope another superstar musician dies right before next year's Grammys, Grammys. And also that there's a young Asian boy who can perfectly impersonate that dead superstar musician. It's the only way you'll be able to redeem yourselves, and your failing industry.
Glorious
"Glorious Successor, as your number one advisor, I recommend we show the world that we are no longer the cruel oppressive regime they believe us to be, but rather a hip, young culture ready to integrate with the modern world."
"Okay, I'm listening."
"Our Ministry of Modern Youth Culture recommends releasing this rock and roll video, played by our finest students from the Youth Culture Program Camp. We are convinced the world will respond positively."
"Is this a new song? I am not familiar with this act."
"Yes, yes. It is a rock and roll hit from America. The American youth think this is fantastic."
"Do it."
"Okay, I'm listening."
"Our Ministry of Modern Youth Culture recommends releasing this rock and roll video, played by our finest students from the Youth Culture Program Camp. We are convinced the world will respond positively."
"Is this a new song? I am not familiar with this act."
"Yes, yes. It is a rock and roll hit from America. The American youth think this is fantastic."
"Do it."
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