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The Breakfast of Champions

Okay, let's face it: there are professional sports teams whose names either suck, don't make sense, or both. For example, unless the NBA has a sense of irony so acute that they've repeatedly turned down offers to chair the board at Hipster Runoff, "the Utah Jazz" is an affront to everything associated with intelligence.

So, I will now set out to correct these wrongs. You're welcome.

1. The Memphis Grizzlies. That's "Memphis", Tennessee and that's "Grizzlies" as in bears. This is a basketball team that started out in Vancouver, where there are theoretically grizzly bears, but mostly it's just potheads and dirty, uber-Euro, "we come from the Planet of White Creepy Twins" hockey players.

New Name: The Memphis Blues. Sure, hockey already has the St. Louis Blues, but no one outside of St. Louis actually associates the blues and St. Louis, and inter-sports name sharing is no big deal. Right New York, Winnipeg, San Francisco, New York, Texas, St. Louis, Arizona....? You get the point. Next.

2. The Utah Jazz. As I touched on above, the Utah Jazz makes absolutely zero sense. This is a basketball team that started out in New Orleans, which is a jazzy city, and before you mock the term "jazzy city" do me a favor and fuck off. New Orleans can be called jazzy, because I'm pretty sure the "Who Dat?" people would be okay with that, because I'm pretty sure they are always fucking hammered. Utah, on the other hand, would not be okay with any of it. "Jazzy" is probably a swear word in Utah, or a cuss word, as they would call it, and "hammered" is what happens to you in a Utah prison if you ever get drunk.On top of that, the only musical contribution Utah has ever made to society is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and those people wear special, secret underpants that they think protect them from fire, the devil and AIDS. I'm not even sure why there's a basketball team there. Fuck Utah.

New Name: The Utah Peak. They get to keep their mountain logo, which they are currently pairing with "Jazz", naturally, and they also remain an answer to the ever-popular sports trivia question "name the sports teams whose nicknames are not pluralized." Done.


Alternate New Name: The Utah Pioneers, because those crazy Utah people are all proud about... I don't know, being crazy pioneers. Come to think of it, we could go with whatever: The Utah Rush/Shock/Bolts, whatever generic name you want.... fuck it, call them the Utah Wives, they just really need to get rid of "Jazz." Again, fuck you, Utah. Nothing personal.

5. The Los Angeles Lakers. The Lakers were originally from Minnesota, which is "the land of 10,000 lakes" and one hot Indian chick that loves her some butter. Now they're in Los Angeles. There might be lakes there, but they're the kind of lakes that are filled with sand, rocks, homeless people, and no water.

New Name: The Los Angeles Stars might work if it weren't so horrendously awful, which means the house money is on "The Los Angeles Stars." A better name might be The Los Angeles Express. Well, maybe that will be what the NFL's Jacksonville Jaguars and/or Minnesota Vikings and/or St. Louis Rams will become when they move there eventually (actually, the Rams would just be the Rams again). You know what? I can't see the Lakers changing their name now, too much history in L.A. as "the Lakers." Next.

6. Calling a Native American a "redskin" is like calling... you've probably heard this one. Yet, right there in our nation's fucking capital we have the Washington Redskins, and just so we're not confused, the logo is an Indian/Native American with feathers in his hair and additional feathers randomly attached to the back of the logo itself. Because, you know, pride and respect and shit.

New Name: The Washington Generals, as in "the team that always loses to the Harlem Globetrotters", because the Redskins suck. But that won't happen, so...

The Washington Spies. So cheesy, it's a probability. Plus, team owner Daniel Snyder is like a 14 year old with enough money to buy a Ferrari, but the brains to have it fitted with an automatic transmission and painted bright green. Good luck, Peyton! (you heard it here first, or whatever. 3 years, 36 million. Write it down)

8. Oh, Canada. You're down to one baseball team, one basketball team and a handful of hockey teams that, save for Vancouver, suck. What's worse, the baseball and basketball teams have shitty, shitty names. Don't worry Canada, I'm here to help.

8a. The Toronto Blue Jays (baseball). Come on, Canada. If it's going to be a bird, don't have it be a boring bird that everybody sees in their backyard every day, and let it have something to do with Canada. In fact, since the Montreal Expos have moved to Washington D.C., and surprisingly not renamed themselves the Wetbacks, just call them...

New Name: The Canada Geese. That would be AWESOME. I would wear that apparel and root for that team. But we can do better than that. Which brings us to:

8b. The Toronto Raptors (basketball). Here we have the same thing. They're the only Canadian NBA team left. Change them to...

New Name: The Canadian Bacon. And yes, I am totally fucking serious. I know this sounds crazy, but question: how awesome would this be? Follow up question: name 5 off the field sports events that are not criminal/scandalous in nature that would generate more buzz about any team and or/player and/or league (and that "scandalous" means "shut the fuck up, everybody who is thinking 'Tim Tebow sex tape'"). If this were to happen, Stuart Scott's mind would explode (win). Neil Everett would have 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 new catch phrases lined up for every textbook bounce pass this team made, because they are called The Canadian Bacon.  

Look, the NBA is already slowly morphing into a shitty league that no one cares about. Actually, they rapidly morphed into total shit several years ago, so why not have a sense of humor about it? Look at the NHL. Last night was the "Fantasy Draft" for the All Star game. Happen to catch any of that? I'm assuming "no", so let me recap: It seemed like it was being held at a VFW. The microphones were set up so that you could hear the hecklers ("Nice duster Timmy, eh?" - stay classy, Canada). Sure, some folks might criticize this, or look down on it, but this is the league that holds its annual awards ceremony in LAS VEGAS, at The Palms. And guess what? That's AWESOME. That's exactly what the NHL should be. Your move, NBA. This can happen. It needs to.

I'm going to start a petition. Right here, right now. Comment on this post to sign. Think about it.

The Canadian Bacon.




Two out of three of those things are pretty fucking badass, no matter who you are.

Before you say this is a stupid gimmick, may I remind you that the team is currently called "The Raptors." As in, "a dinosaur that was fictionally depicted as being a man-sized, intelligent killing machine in a movie that came out around the time the basketball team was formed, when in actuality the Velociraptor was a single/several kinds of dinosaur(s) about the size of a chicken." A fucking chicken. Diamondbacks is a better team name than Raptors. Stegosaurus would be better name, and they could even have big, bone plates on the backs of their jerseys. As it stands now, this is bullshit. Think about it.
They wear this:

You wear this:

Really, think about it. How long after that shirt/hat/anything became available would you buy it?
I rest my case. You're welcome, Canada.

1 comment:

Andrew said...

That is just a fantastic idea, gosh darn it!


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