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Dear Zoo Puma

 Dear Zoo Puma, any thoughts on the Super Bowl?

Eric C.
Des Moines, IA

Oh yeah, Eric, I'm totally fucking pumped to watch the Super Bowl, it's the pinnacle of human athletics. And by that I mean: watching Tom Brady run is like watching a giraffe be born when there are lions nearby. It's like "skip walking and run, fucking baby giraffe." By the way, I've been meaning to ask you humans, and this is speaking of sports, is swimming a joke? I can't tell when I watch. I have to assume it is, because I can't believe that 350 million years of evolution have left sharks that fucking dumb. Sharks: new flash. Eat people. Not only can't people swim very well, but they have no concept of... I don't even know, let me put it to you this way: they get sad when whales wash up on the shore. I know, right? What the fuck? That's food, bitches. I know, I know, it's sad when "smart" animals die. Or, it's huge amounts of dead flesh. What? Well, here's the fucking scoop: everybody dies, and sometimes it hurts. On top of that, everybody gets eaten. For whatever reason, you humans have decided that only worms and insects should eat you. I know, girls, fucking gross, right? Fuck you.

Anyway, wait until all the asshole New Yorkers lay their bets and the line comes down to 2&1/2. If New England is going to win, it's going to be by 3, because they always win by 3. Give the points and take New England. Growwlllllraoooarrr.

Zoo Puma

Dear Zoo Puma, slow season for new movies, and my wife is begging me for a date night. Any suggestions?

Joe M.
Marshfield, MA

Well, Joe, I'm totally pumped to see that new movie 'The Grey' with Liam Neeson, where he fights off a pack of hungry wolves with fucking seat cushions and wrist watches and whatever else he can scrounge from his plane that crashed in the middle of the Arctic wilderness. By the way, awesome job conquering the friendly skies, humans. Anyway, my favorite part of trailer is when Liam and his buddies are surrounded by wolves, and he says something like "stare right back at their eyes, they'll back down." Oh, no shit? That works on hungry wolves? Good advice, fuckface. You know, I wonder why they didn't make that movie about a plane that crashed over the Amazon basin. Oh right, because if you tried that "stare down" shit with pumas, it would have zero effect on the outcome of the encounter that ends with the pumas eating the flesh off of your fucking faces, which, hint hint, is exactly how an encounter with wolves would end, too. But fuck it, he misses his wife so much...

Anyway, is "The Artist" a silent movie, or a movie with talking about a silent movie? You know what, fuck you. Rent Braveheart again, dickhead.

Zoo Puma

Dear Zoo Puma, have you heard those new Liberty Mutual Auto Insurance radio commercials where some one gets in an accident, and calls some one to let them know, which changes that person's plans, which, in turn, changes another set of plans with another person, leading to another phone call, and another, and so on and so forth? Well, I've noticed that in both the versions of that commercial which I've heard, each of the characters is Hispanic/Latino, and because these are radio commercials, naturally, I deduced this from the fact that every 'character' has a "Spanish" accent. On top of that, each one of these characters is identified as a family member, meaning, the wife in the accident calls her husband, who calls his brother, who calls his cousin... My question is, wouldn't these people be speaking Spanish to each other? I realize that Liberty Mutual may be trying to reach a specific demographic, but is this the right way to do it? As a follow up, does the fact that they're not speaking Spanish make this, technically, a racist commercial?

Longmeadow, NY

Dear Tim, All I can say is, I am 100% sure you are white. Thanks for writing.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Zoo Puma, your attitude towards life is remarkably negative. You need to lighten up!
When life gives you turds, make turd-flavored lemonade. It's not as bad as you would think.
MMMmmm. Delicious turd-aid. Who doesn't want that!
I'm pretty sure that if you turned your piercing, frightening, frown (is that a frown? Not sure) upside down, that you would find the world an inviting, accommodating space that, even considering your living situation, would be super-awesome.

Let's cheer up!


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