Update: Canadian Bacon

For those keeping score, there's not a lot to report on Canadian Bacon front - but this isn't about keeping score, it's about winning.

My horoscope this morning was again pretty spot on:

"Share more of your passion, love, and happiness with the people around you, Virgo. Put your energy toward a group project and work to co-create something much more magical and meaningful than anything you could create on your own. You aren't alone in this world, and you will find that you have a great deal to learn from working in close relationship with other people who share similar ideals."

Reading this, I knew I needed to take it up a notch. I knew I needed to really direct people towards the petition at Change.org (which you can sign by clicking on the widget on the right side of this page. Your right). Coincidentally, I noticed an email from the folks at Change.org not too long after reading my horoscope. I really thought the stars were aligning. Then I read the email:

"We noticed that you've only received 2 signatures since creating your petition. But don't worry - we're here to help."

Despite my hopes, the next line was not: "We've decided to mandate that every staff member here at Change.org sign your petition as a condition of their continued employment." It was more like this:

"Don't be shy! You had the guts to start this petition because you believe that there is a problem that needs to be solved. The only way you are going to make a difference is by getting other people involved, and that means asking them to sign on."

By now I was feeling like a loser. People who run an online petition company, which was invented in order to remove the need to physically interact with people to obtain their signatures, were calling me shy.

Then it hit me: the logo. I need to motivate people with the logo. Originally, I had come up with this:

I'll be the first to admit, that's a pretty awful NBA logo. Not bad for a tee-shirt, but not up to snuff for a league full of cartoon hornets, wizardry and a team called "The Nets" - which is essentially the exact same thing as a team called "The Balls."

I took a step back and realized what my logo was missing: Canadian-ness. So I went back to the drawing board and came up with this:

I was feeling pretty proud of myself for that one, until I realized it was also missing something pretty important: bacon.

Boom:

As proud of this masterpiece as I am, the truth is it will never be taken seriously, and I am totally serious about this proposition. Deadly serious, even.

So I'm asking for your help. Please send along your ideas for logo designs, mascots, uniforms, and any input on what you think is the most Canadian of all the fonts.

I'll continue to pound the virtual pavement.

We can do this.

My Company Woman

So, as I'm getting ready to head out the door today for another exciting day of life, I happened to spot this note that my wife apparently left on our kitchen table (and yes, sorry ladies, I did just say "wife."):

So as you can see, it's pretty obvious that my wife works for the CIA. I'm pretty convinced that "utensils" is a code word for weapons, and the rest of it is some sort of secret code. When I asked her about it, she explained that it was a "list of BAR codes from a certain yogurt company that gives you free magazines for collecting the BAR codes", which is obviously covert spy bullshit. So now I have to consider the possibility that she may be trying to kill me.

If I were also a spy for the CIA, like my wife obviously is, this would be exactly like that movie "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, and that might be kind of nice. In the end, their trying to kill each other over the course of a two hour movie actually brings them closer together, and what marriage couldn't use that sort of boost?

The big problem here is that I am not a CIA agent. At least, I don't think I am. There's still a possibility that a black SUV will pull up in front of my house, and two dudes will come to my door and tell me that I have to come with them, and that I'm a secret government weapon, etc - but I don't put those odds at any greater than 50/50. In fact, maybe it's my wife's job to "decommission" me.

There is the slim chance that this turns out more like the movie "True Lies", where Jamie Lee Curtis is unknowingly married to a spy, who in turn makes her a spy after they save the world together, but I find it hard to wrap my head around a concept as ridiculous as that.

I'm pretty disappointed in my wife, to be honest. I know spies are sworn to secrecy and all, but I'm fairly sure that even the worst spy in the world can tell what a useful "asset" I would be - not in the least part because I know a lot of the lingo - but I'm also really sneaky and I change my hairstyle all the time.

Point is, she should have recruited me by now, so maybe I have nothing to worry about. In fact, after thinking about it, it's pretty obvious that my wife is a horrible spy.





Together We Can

I'd like to thank everyone who has commented on the Canadian Bacon posts. However, since as of the time of this writing that means I'm only thanking 4 people, and I'm pretty sure one of them is my mom, that means I have to take it up a notch.

As of this morning, I've started a legitimate petition at Change.org. You can sign that petition by clicking on the widget on this page. Do it. And do it quickly, before Change.org realizes that there is such a petition on their site, because they'll probably take it down when they see it. Which is so racist. Racist against bacon.

In case you are on the fence about all of this, I want to introduce what I'm going to call "Exhibit A." Actually, that's stupid, I'm just going to show you something. This was my horoscope yesterday:

Let the genius within you come out and play, Virgo. You may feel like some sort of inventor who has wild ideas that could help to revolutionize the future. Bring these ideas into the open and see what kind of response you get from the people around you. Cutting-edge concepts are likely to appeal to you the most. These are the ones that you should pursue and follow through on if you can.

First of all, I'm not making that up - that was really my horoscope (msn.com). Second, yes, sometimes I read my horoscope. Third, there is now irrefutably a documented genius inside me, and fourth, God thinks this is a good idea.

People, I'm going to try to lay low on this for a while and let the grassroots magic of online petitioning take hold. This does mean that you'll be subjected to other ideas of mine, though, including:

- Why have the Black Eyed Peas not covered Midnight Oil's "Beds Are Burning"? More specifically, how has that not happened? More on this to come.

- Speaking of covers, Bjork should cover Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" if for no other reason than the chance for everyone to see bearded, snobby hipsters humming along with the muzak when they're out grocery shopping. Also, she'd probably actually do a pretty good job.

- Taco Bell wastes so much on advertising. Sound dumb? Hear me out. No one needs to be reminded that Taco Bell exists, because we were all 19 once. Instead of a talking dog, or annoying dudes being annoying, Taco Bell should simply have commercials with no sound, and a white screen with the Taco Bell logo in red, yellow and green - sort of looking like a 3D picture if you don't have your 3D glasses on. Do you know why this would work? Because there is no better way to have someone look at a TV than to have it stop making noise. Try it yourself next time you're in a room with someone who may or may not be paying attention to the TV. Trust me, it works. Also, we all know that red, yellow and green are the "hunger colors" - that's why every restaurant uses some version of those colors almost exclusively. So essentially, you're going to get eyes on your logo in the hunger colors for a solid 15-20 seconds, Taco Bell. Just so the novelty doesn't wear off, they could mix in a few different versions where every once in a while - BOOM!! - chicks in bikinis for a second, or - BOOM!! - lion attack, or whatever. Your move, Taco Bell.

- Speaking of Taco Bell, they serve burritos, some of which come with bacon.

Sign the petition.