My Company Woman

So, as I'm getting ready to head out the door today for another exciting day of life, I happened to spot this note that my wife apparently left on our kitchen table (and yes, sorry ladies, I did just say "wife."):

So as you can see, it's pretty obvious that my wife works for the CIA. I'm pretty convinced that "utensils" is a code word for weapons, and the rest of it is some sort of secret code. When I asked her about it, she explained that it was a "list of BAR codes from a certain yogurt company that gives you free magazines for collecting the BAR codes", which is obviously covert spy bullshit. So now I have to consider the possibility that she may be trying to kill me.

If I were also a spy for the CIA, like my wife obviously is, this would be exactly like that movie "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, and that might be kind of nice. In the end, their trying to kill each other over the course of a two hour movie actually brings them closer together, and what marriage couldn't use that sort of boost?

The big problem here is that I am not a CIA agent. At least, I don't think I am. There's still a possibility that a black SUV will pull up in front of my house, and two dudes will come to my door and tell me that I have to come with them, and that I'm a secret government weapon, etc - but I don't put those odds at any greater than 50/50. In fact, maybe it's my wife's job to "decommission" me.

There is the slim chance that this turns out more like the movie "True Lies", where Jamie Lee Curtis is unknowingly married to a spy, who in turn makes her a spy after they save the world together, but I find it hard to wrap my head around a concept as ridiculous as that.

I'm pretty disappointed in my wife, to be honest. I know spies are sworn to secrecy and all, but I'm fairly sure that even the worst spy in the world can tell what a useful "asset" I would be - not in the least part because I know a lot of the lingo - but I'm also really sneaky and I change my hairstyle all the time.

Point is, she should have recruited me by now, so maybe I have nothing to worry about. In fact, after thinking about it, it's pretty obvious that my wife is a horrible spy.