Dear Zoo Puma

Dear Zoo Puma,

I’m been reading a lot on the internet about the benefits of eating organic food and free-range, hormone-free meat. A Whole Foods Market has just opened up down the street, but the food is so EXPENSIVE!!

Is eating completely organic food worth the expense, or is it OK for me to cut corners with some items (like cheesecake!! I LOVE cheesecake!!)?

Thanks,
Dan S.
Little Rock, AR

Dan-O,

That’s a tough one. On the one hand, I felt a lot better when I was living in the jungle, eating a completely organic, free-range diet. On the other hand, that could also have to do with the fact that I wasn’t living in a fucking zoo, as I am now. I’d like to tell you to follow your heart on this one, but from the sound of it, it’s going to literally explode momentarily. So why don’t you follow your balls and eat whatever the fuck you want to eat? Evidently you humans are the undisputed rulers of this planet. Why the fuck does eating seem to be so difficult for you idiots?

Hell, come down to my zoo and eat me. Please, in fact. I won’t even try to eat you. See, I’m into all that free-range, organic shit, too, which pretty much takes you off the menu. Plus, I do want to die because, again, I am in a cage in a zoo, waiting for a human to come clean up my shit piles. Which, by the way, remind me sooo much of cheesecake, so you can imagine how hard this is for me, asshole.

Bye-bye,
The Zoo Puma



Dear Zoo Puma,

I’m a huge Lady Gaga fan (def one of her “little monsters” 4-eva!!). My father says her music is not rock, but I’m like “IT TOTALLY ROCKS”! Then he gets all mad and tries to get me to listen to a bunch of his old music which sucks except that it is on vinyl which is kinda cool. He says that kids have no idea what REAL rock music is, but he’s totally wrong. Am I right?

Sincerely,
Anna T.
Oakland, CA

Anna,

How old are you, 15? 12? So your Dad is what, 40s-ish? Yeah, Greg Kihn Band and Dire Straits totally rock. Uh oh, hold on to your fucking seats, here comes a little My Fucking Sharona! You’re both idiots.

Do you want to know what rocks? Ok, close your eyes. Hear the light pitter-patter of footsteps, fast footsteps. “Tish tish tish”, like a hi-hat. Now, hear heavier, faster footsteps getting louder and louder. “Thum thum thum”, like a bass drum. Now add some heavy breathing. Then a huge fucking scream, like Steven Tyler-meets-James Hetfield-meets-whoever the fuck Lady GaGa is.

The end. I call that one “I Just Fucking Ate You.”

Before you go to bed tonight, see if you can come up with the video for me.

Thanks sweetie,
The Zoo Puma



Dear Zoo Puma,

My job has recently informed me that I’ll be relocating from St. Louis to Detroit. Now, I’m a die-hard Cardinals fan, and my 5 year old son is just starting to get into sports. My question is, should I maintain the family heritage of rooting for St. Louis, or should I encourage him to root for Detroit’s local teams to avoid potential ridicule and ostracizing on the part of his new friends?

Thanks a bunch,
Richard
St. Louis

Dick,

I was just thinking about this the other day. Kind of a long story, so bear with me here. See, I overheard some of my handlers talking about “breeding me.” Let me tell you, a million things went through my mind. I thought, “I don’t really think that’s possible, seeing as the sedatives that they mush in with my food pellets make my dick about as useful as the ass end of a dead worm when it comes to sexy time with a lady puma.” Then I thought, “oh no wait, they’ll probably pump me full of stimulants and then introduce the lady puma into my cage. Umm yeeaaahhhh... There’s no way that will work. I wonder what will happen next, after the lady puma is like ‘don’t even fuckin’ try it.’” Then I thought, “Hmm, then they’ll probably restrain me and have some unlucky fucker manually arouse me, like they do with horses. I wonder if I’ll like that.”

Then, most importantly, I wondered “Wait, what teams will my potential offspring root for? Shit! Where will he be raised? I hope they have a hockey team there!” Me, I root for the pumas, but for all I know, they’re pretty much extinct. It can’t be looking that good for us if it’s come down to some 20 year old zoology student coming into my cage and jerking me off when I’m half cocked and restrained from head to toe. Maybe if they ever bring that lady puma around, I’ll ask her what’s up. You know, small talk before she’s artificially inseminated with the sperm that has been manually extracted from my puma dick, Dick.

Good luck with the new job,
The Zoo Puma