From The Journal of Dr. Rick Hightower, M.D., soon to be adapted into an ABC primetime drama entitled Hightower:
I was eating lunch at a trendy restaurant, sitting outside and looking at all of the hot chicks stroll by. The city was looking good, and so was I. I was waiting for a hot chick to come and talk to me when my phone rang. It was V.J.
“Hey buddy, I’m a little busy,” I said as I smiled at a hot chick. “This had better be important.”
“It is important,” he replied. “It’s R.U.F.U.S. He’s started to transmit information to us. I’m picking it up here at the penthouse hideout.”
“Hmm,” I said. “Anything good?”
“You’ve got to see this,” he replied.
“Well this I’ve got to see.”
-----
When I arrived, V.J. had the computers up and running. He showed me a monitor that was displaying video feed.
“Whoever is holding this camera is incredibly short,” I said.
“No Hightower,” said V.J. “that’s R.U.F.U.S. He’s broadcasting live.”
“Like a webcam,” I said. “I’ve seen these before. Type ‘shower.’”
“No, Hightower, he’s at Saleem’s hotel, like your plan called for.”
“Oh right,” I said. “Ok. Type ‘kidnapped Chinese hot girl.’”
“Hightower, it doesn’t work like that,” V.J. said.
“Well how does it work, buddy? What is this thing good for?” I asked.
“It was a secret prototype when we deployed it in the field, Hightower!” V.J. yelled. “We can only give it directional instructions.”
“Calm down buddy,” I said, “let’s have a look around.” We looked around until we saw a door that had a bunch of guards standing in front of it. The guards started speaking in Arabic.
“Watch this,” said V.J., and with a few keystrokes, subtitles of what the guards were saying popped up on the screen. They were talking about kidnapped girls.
“I think we’ve seen enough,” I said. “Let’s go.”
“Hightower, we can’t just burst into that hotel suite, it’s guarded like Fort Knox,” V.J. said.
“I know buddy, I know. Leave the planning to me.”
-----
When we arrived at the hotel, I had yet to come up with a plan. “We’d better stretch,” I said to V.J. “I’m pretty sure we’re going to be dodging a lot of bullets up there.”
“Hightower,” V.J. said, “I thought we’d work out some kind of plan here, maybe try to go in undercover, or work out some sort of deal.”
As I cocked my gun I said to V.J. “V.J., we don’t negotiate with kidnappers.”
We took the stairs up to the penthouse suite. Outside the door there was a bodyguard, so I shot him. He flipped over the railing and fell through the stairwell to the bottom floor, landing with a thud. “That oughtta get his attention,” I said.
We burst through the door, and there was immediately a huge shootout. The guards all had Uzis, some even had those awesome looking smaller Uzis, and they were holding one in each hand. “That’s awesome,” I thought to myself. “V.J.!!!” I yelled as debris from everything that the Uzis were hitting sprayed around us. “Get to the girls; I’ll take care of these guards with Uzis!”
V.J. ran off as I provided cover, and I started picking off the guards one by one. I ran out of bullets, so I had to think of something fast. I ran over to a dead guard and picked p his two Uzis, one in each hand, and began firing when I realized they were normal size Uzis, not the smaller awesome ones, and the recoil was too much. I sprayed the entire room, including the enormous ceiling to floor fish tank.
As the wall of water rushed to me, I leapt up on the counter and closed my eyes. Nothing happened, and the room went quiet. I opened my eyes to see all of the guards laying there, dead. “Electric eels,” I said as I saw the creatures writhing on the floor. “Shock and awe.”
-----
Our driver pulled the limo right up to the Lear Jet. Shen Shi was standing beside his luxury car with his bodyguards. We opened the door, and V.J. and I stepped out, followed by Shen Shi’s daughter. She ran to her father’s open arms. He nodded to V.J. and I, and I gave him a thumbs up. They started to climb the steps to the idling jet, and V.J. and I turned to enter the limo.
“Hightower!” yelled Shen Shi. “Whatever happened to Saleem?”
“We never found him,” I replied. “But that wasn’t our job. Our job was to find your hot daughter, and we did. I don’t think we’ll be hearing from Saleem again.”
With that, Shen Shi boarded the plane, and V.J. and I got into our limo.
“Hightower,” V.J. said, “can we really just let Saleem get away with this?”
“Well buddy, we’re going to assume he learned his lesson here.”
“But Hight…” V.J. said.
“Nope, don’t want to hear it,” I said. “This is the right way. The only way.”
“This makes no sense,” said V.J. “he’s a criminal mastermind.”
“Which is exactly why we’ll be ready for when he strikes again,” I said.
“But we had him at the…”
“Buddy, let’s just let the good times roll,” I said. Then I put on “Let the Good Times Roll” by The Cars on the stereo, and we drove off.
Crikey! That Cerberus sure didn’t like us! Not a lot is understood about those wily buggers, so I’m really trying to earn their trust so that I can get right up close and study them. No worries, though! There are plenty of other marvelous creatures… right! Look over ‘ere! This little girl is called a Quetzalcoatl. Isn’t she a beauty? Doesn’t she look just like a lizard with feathers? That’s because she is! Alright, here we go darling, let’s ‘ave a look…whoa! She doesn’t like that! Eeeassy girl… Alright. You should only ever grab one of these by the tail if you’re a trained… AAAARRRGGGHHHH…..
